So Like Yeah

Everything In Its Right Place

2011-05-24T19:00:00.000-05:00

Five Things, tomorrow night. Lou's got one.

In Which We Smoked Marfa Lights

2011-04-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

When good buddy Matt Sonzala asked SLY if we wanted to drive a Mini Cooper out to Marfa for a few days and stay in a trailer in the desert, it took about three seconds to say FUCK YES HAND ME MY TRAVELING SCARF.

It was part of a promotional deal for Mini Cooper's new Countryman model, but that was all I knew. A handful of relative strangers would drive to the desert in German cars, hang out, and be filmed. After reading the waiver I wondered if we were actually going to be hunted by a billionaire cattle rancher. Or turned into a human centipede.

So off we went. Our Austin crew had heard about the wildfires, but had no idea how bad they were until we got to Fort Davis on Sunday. Then we got a nice, warm greeting.

It looked apocalyptic but I was sort of awestruck. The billows of smoke were layered, like a painting: red, gray, pink, white. Some of them were soft, tall plumes, others what I'll refer to as a "firenado." Some people said it was a house fire that started it, others a rogue cigarette. Even miles away, I could feel the heat on my face. We often forget how powerful nature is, right there under our feet. Later that night we listened to Marfa Public Radio for updates. "We have breaking news," came a calm, deep radio voice. "There are loose cattle on the road."

Creeping wildfires and frightened cows aside, we had a grand old time rambling through Shafter, a prickly ghost town with a graveyard more than 100 years old, having a brush with Border Patrol, and camping under the stars. Shout out to Padre's for one of the best margaritas I've had in a while.

Shout outs to Mini, Sonzala, and travelmates Sun-Jue, local rapper Kydd (check his rhymes), Stephanie and Alie (check their store), and Aaron and Rachel of Knuckle Rumbler (check their parties). And yes, I did drunkenly suggest we request "Humpty Dance" from Marfa Public Radio Monday night, but I was just trying to keep spirits up. (They didn't have it, and played Bob Schneider instead.)

Boy did I feel lame going back to my "old car" after driving that baby at 80-100mph through West Texas. Thanks, Germans!

Solo Dining at the Apocalypse

2011-02-14T10:08:00.000-06:00

Complaint Box, Winter Edition

2011-01-17T16:35:00.005-06:00

I was batting an idea around the So Like Yeah Estroplex a few days ago: a Snuggie-type thing that's also an electric blanket but that didn't have to be plugged in and was tailored enough that it wouldn't knock over a bunch of candles with its "Stand Back"-era Stevie Nicks sleeves. How would it be powered? Kinetic energy? Of course not. If you're wearing a Snuggie you ain't doin' shit! That's as far as that got. Yes, we only write by candlelight at the 'plex.

Then I saw the commercial for Forever Lazy, which turns adults into giant babies. Giant, freezing babies who can only be consoled with beer and TV. I was almost on board. Until around the 1:15 mark.

People. We have to draw the line at "zippered hatches" or the terrorists have won.

(Here's a plus, though: Searching for that Stevie Nicks video led me into a Fleetwood Mac rabbit hole, and I found this gem)

2011-01-11T21:15:00.000-06:00

Q: How would you describe "The Wizard of Oz" to someone who has never seen it?

Waters: Girl leaves drab farm, becomes a fag hag, meets gay lions and men that don’t try to molest her, and meets a witch, kills her. And unfortunately — by a surreal act of shoe fetishism — clicks her shoes together and is back to where she belongs. It has an unhappy ending.

John Waters, from Robert Elder's new book.

Chill the Fuck Out, 2010

2010-12-30T21:51:00.001-06:00

This year SLY covered the hard-hitting issues: parasites, the Double Down, Vajazzling, and the coming robotpocalypse. So if you're still with us at this point, thanks! 2011 is going to be even better. The SLY "Test Kitchen" is going to ramp the fuck up and it's not just gonna be food in there! So let's just zone out until then, OK? Just chill out!

Throw Your Diamonds Up

2010-12-13T09:53:00.002-06:00

At least Benold's has a sense of humor about the whole holiday jewelry guilt/shame spiral. Shows like Bridalplasty remind me that, yes, a very small group of women probably demands diamond rings and other superficial status updates for Christmas, and a small group of men thinks that's still what a woman wants. On the whole in 2010, who are these ridiculous ads targeting, and who can afford it? We live in a time when people are scouring their homes for shit to send to Cash4Gold.com.

And they've gotten really diverse this year: Kay finally put an African-American couple in one of its ads, to balance out the weird rape fantasies and overall whiteness elsewhere in their marketing campaign. The soft, white snow; the cut diamonds; the straight, white teeth. It's so blandly heteronormative. Good job, jewelers.

And this Zales commercial .... they all look one blink away from outing themselves as lizard people, especially the guy at the :10 minute mark. After he strangles her with the necklace of course. Benold's was right! He just cut the power! Run, girl!

Shut 'Em Down, Open Up Shop

2010-11-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

Damn, Canada, you really put the scare in those rapists. As this story explains, a cliched, overused phrase in the States equals sexual predator diiiiisss up North.

I appreciate the flipped script, but what's "that guy" like in Edmonton, Alberta? I'm sensing a lot of names with short A sounds.

Cats vs. Demons

2010-11-05T17:34:00.004-05:00

Austin dudes are notoriously allergic to cats. Or are they? Check out footage from the documentary film, Sleepwalkers:

You've been warned, ladies. Next time he's explaining why he can't stay the night, remember that "Sorry baby, I've got cat allergies" could be synonymous with "I'm a shape-shifting demon who's only natural enemy is the domesticated feline."

Typical Girls Are So Emotional

2010-11-02T21:05:00.004-05:00

November 2010 Muscle Memory Mix

A Couple of Sharp Coconuts

2010-10-03T20:40:00.001-05:00

"The men were having a business meeting," Ray remembers, "and the women were definitely not invited there. When those guys were busy, the women just sat and waited. They'd smoke, drink beer, gossip, but they were pretty much just on ice until the meeting broke up. I remember, too, that many of them were surprisingly young: teenagers, or in their early twenties. They didn't look young, though. Riding around on the back of a Harley at a hundred miles an hour in all sorts of weather will age you, I guess."

Hells Angels, 1965.

Horsehead Blues

2010-09-21T00:07:00.000-05:00

Oh heyyyeeee. Summer has been busy at the So Like Yeah Estroplex, but we will resume regular hours soon. In the meantime, there are other important things to explore. One love.

2-4-6-Die

2010-08-12T10:26:00.000-05:00

Look, I love fried cheese as much as the next red-blooded, mouth-breathing American, but this new sandwich from Denny's is...

...basically it looks like you're about to eat a bunch of open sores. It's apparently part of Denny's new "value" menu, which also includes a nacho salad and more things served in a skillet.

Hot Summer Congressional Crush

2010-08-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

Ooooh Mary, look at Rep. Anthony Weiner of NY, going to town on Republicans! The way he orders that man to sit down, all Samuel L. Jackson and shit! It's almost like the olden days, when members of Congress had actual beliefs, and felt like it was their job to uphold them!

1. Sketch 2. Comedy

2010-07-18T19:29:00.008-05:00

Anyone who has Googled dorky key phrases ("raptors," "brain worms," "converting bedroom into playball pen")has probably stumbled upon this comic. For those who haven't, please meet xkcd.com -- we'd be crushin' on this guy if we so weren't certain he exists only in two dimensional code.

Set Your Parasites High

2010-07-12T07:00:00.007-05:00

An insect of unknown ancestry recently stung my eyelid. My, like most's, first instinct was to overreact. Who wouldn't assume that the bug in question was a braconid wasp, and that rather than simply stinging me, it was laying eggs in my shutter lens with its massive ovipositor? My entomological hysteria was relieved when a Benadryl and bag of frozen peaches made the swelling retreat. But now that I've realized my worst fear: becoming a parasitic incubator, I can't stop reading about others who actually have.

That's when I discovered Brain Worms.

It works like this: Someone eats undercooked pork and develops tapeworms. Those tapeworms lay 250,000 eggs each. The swine swallower then prepares food for others, without washing her hands, peppering the diner's dish with tiny tapeworm eggs. Those eggs are small enough to pass through stomach lining and enter the blood stream where they search for a warm, safe place to grow. Your brain is prime tapeworm real estate.

Once there, they stretch out and get comfy -- munching on your cerebral lining. This can go on for years until they take one bite too many and you start noticing symptoms of their incessant snacking. A leg goes numb. An eye goes out. You can only talk backwards like a David Lynch character -- what evs. That's when surgeons explore, expecting to find a tumor, and find worms in your brain.

Just try unlearning that, and happy Monday.

Thinkhole

2010-06-28T16:54:00.000-05:00

“I am filled that day with vile or evil feelings — ill will toward one I think I should love, ill will toward myself, and discouragement over the work I think I should be doing. I look out the window of my borrowed house, out the narrow window of the smallest room. Suddenly there it is, my own spirit: an old white dog with bowed legs and swaying head staring around the corner of the porch with one mad, cataract-filled eye.” - Lydia Davis, “Examples of Confusion”

Older Than the Moon, Twice as Wild

2010-06-22T00:25:00.002-05:00

A great read right here.

In the corner of the conference room, Ferrucci sat typing into a laptop. Whenever Watson got a question wrong, Ferrucci winced and stamped his feet in frustration, like a college-football coach watching dropped passes. “This is torture,” he added, laughing.

And a great sentence. My dad used to work for I.B.M. and as a child I was amazed at the clunky, whirring machines that lined his office. Futuristic at the time, sure. But they were still just machines to me - international business machines, actually.

Watson is something I would have dreamed up as a kid. After reading, I found myself wondering if, when I'm old, I'm going to have to deal with a robot doctor.

Complaint Box, Summer Edition

2010-06-16T00:50:00.005-05:00

You ever have one of those moments where Idiocracy is right around the corner? On TV earlier, I saw two beer commercials in the span of a few minutes. One was for Coors Light's new Cold Activation Window, which visually tells you when your beer is cold enough to enjoy. But you still have to reach out and grab the beer anyway, so...

Also, it's COORS LIGHT.

The other was for a new Miller Lite bottle that has spiral grooves inside the neck. It's called the Vortex, which helps the beer gush, rapids-like, into your thirst hole. BEER MOUTH FASTER. I can see the billboards now. Schlitterbahn, you're sitting on a tie-in goldmine.

Then I saw a Smirnoff Ice commercial, which reminded me of this, which is a thing apparently. A viral campaign for dude soda that has become real and now random d-bags can punk men who have been on the moon. I only found out about this fratastic phenom the other day - there was a story in the New York Times about it.

All this came in the midst of new BP commercials urging fishermen and others whose livelihoods have been upended to file claims, and B-roll shots of smiling employees looking through outdated file cabinets, while an oil demon rolls towards the Atlantic. An oil demon, y'all!

It was a terrifying thrill ride into a future of sweatpants and mutants.

2010-06-09T01:23:00.000-05:00

Can Fabrice Fabrice be at all awards shows?

Jaden Smith's "weird child entourage of tiny monsters." Seriously, what's up with that kid?

Crude Summer

2010-06-01T16:27:00.000-05:00

Someone threw a rock through Mother Nature's window and...

She's

pissed

First World Problems

2010-05-28T09:44:00.000-05:00

I'm boycotting SATC2, but this review from one of my favorite alt-weeklies says everything I'd want to say if I did see it. Such as:

"SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it's my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls."

2010-05-17T14:48:00.000-05:00

http://questionableadvice.tumblr.com/

Meat Grief

2010-05-12T21:09:00.001-05:00

I was going to try to come up with something clever, but no, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is applicable here.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Total time: 4 1/2 minutes.

Execute Artist

2010-05-12T14:51:00.002-05:00

The folks at Channel 101 are doing some very cool things with the video series Everything. Interesting concepts, short enough for modern attention spans.

2010-05-07T14:21:00.000-05:00

via College Humor

2010-05-06T21:31:00.001-05:00

Noah Kalina

Harsh Realms pt. 145

2010-05-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

Florida, you never cease to amaze me. Only a former crackhead-turned-politician would propose something like this. Yeah, go after the small business owners! Go after those criminals at Grateful J's Grateful Deadhead Shop! They're practically begging you to smoke crack.

When bongs are outlawed, only outlaws will have bongs?

A weapon in the hand of a beautiful woman

2010-05-03T23:34:00.002-05:00

Niki de Saint Phalle, curio.

Intimidation as an art form. I'm with it.

I Think He's Playing Red Eyed Fly Tonight

2010-04-26T06:17:00.004-05:00

There's nothing sadder than an unsuave robot.
This poor sap was crafted to aid the hearing-impaired in speech therapy, but that altruistic goal will likely be eclipsed by its intrinsic creepiness. How can anyone be tutored by a device with such extreme N.T.P. (night terror potential)?

nerdalertnerdalertnerdalert

2010-04-19T19:47:00.002-05:00

http://comicbookcartography.posterous.com/

giant map room!!!

2010-04-13T00:02:00.001-05:00

IS THIS MOVIE IN PRE-PRODUCTION YET?

"Brenner and the dolphin met in the 1970s at a Sarasota County amusement park, and he calls their underwater love affair 'passionate.'"

"The thing I learned the hard way is that dolphins can develop very, very deep emotional bonds to you -- bonds that are so strong, we don't understand how they work," Brenner said.

So now just anyone who got drunk and fucked a dolphin at Sea World in the 1970s can write a book? That screeching sound you hear is half the population of Deltona, Florida speeding to an Internet cafe.

However, this being Florida, I'm a little disappointed no one contacted an animal psychic to see what the dolphin had to say from beyond the grave.

2010-04-12T00:56:00.001-05:00

2010-04-08T11:28:00.000-05:00

Mom! I Want My Giggle Hat!

2010-04-06T19:55:00.003-05:00

That kid is so high.

The snork-inspired device is called PediSedate, and it lulls wee ones into a peaceful, drugged-out, python-riddled, hallucinatory state prior to medical procedures by pumping nitrous oxide near their noses while they play video games. And yeah, I want one. Gimmie that giggle hat!

From PediSedate's website:
"PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide, an anesthetic gas. The child comfortably becomes sedated while playing with a Nintendo Game Boy system or listening to music. This dramatically improves the hospital or dental experience for the child, parents and healthcare providers."

Crazy From the Meat

2010-04-04T13:19:00.001-05:00

Mark your calendars and write up your wills, this thing apparently passed market testing.

I think if Jesus were still alive today, he'd definitely be into this.

Play 'Free Bird'!

2010-03-30T12:05:00.002-05:00

French artist and musician Céleste Boursier-Mougenot introduced electric guitars into an aviary.

This Week in Florida

2010-03-14T21:33:00.000-05:00

Trailer park arson, pig uprisings, and "getting razor burn in Key West" is no longer a euphemism. They don't call it Darwin's Waiting Room for nothing.

Dude, Where's My Pants?

2010-03-09T18:28:00.004-06:00

The New York Times just ran an article on the Sensecam. It's a little black box worn around the neck to assist Alzheimer's patients. The theory is that the camera/accelerator combo will make a sort of flip book of experiences -- one that can be accessed later, jogging the memory.

They also mention future marketing targeted at the "YouTube generation," whose memories are just lazily clouded by booze and barbiturates.

Can we not do this?

In addition to making everyone look like Toshiro Takashi from Revenge of the Nerds, I believe blackouts happen for a reason. If we had to see how stupid we all act while drinking, everyone would quit doing it. Bars would close, people would stop getting laid, tattoos of leprechauns dancing around tribal signs would cease to exist, and we'd all have to develop real personalities. This little black box could ruin civilization as we know it.

Get ya broke ass out the club if you ain't gon' tip

2010-03-08T21:51:00.002-06:00

What up, J.Cam? I know you got epicly later'd at the Oscars, but you're being pretty cool about the best picture and director award going to your ex-wife's movie about a real war.

John Hughes tribute: OK. Seeing the cast of The Breakfast Club 25 years later: No. James Spader? Andrew McCarthy? Someone.

Can this be the last year for the Oscars? Seriously, that shit took like three days. Most of it was blatant shit-being-called-a-sundae-ism. Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin did the Dean/Jerry thing well enough, but their joke time was eaten up by James Taylor's weird death montage ballad and interpretive hip-hop dancing. Just let this guy host next year.

Something You'll Never See at Beauty Bar

2010-03-07T17:06:00.004-06:00

Imagine if Lego synth guy and large-scale Lego sculpture dude ever got together...

You could start a dance party on a replica of Han Solo frozen in carbonite. Let the panty-dampening, begin!

So Like Lexicon

2010-03-07T16:27:00.003-06:00

SBoonin’: Waking up disoriented with your arm around an empty bottle of Boone’s Farm.

Rolodix: Your cell phone booty call list.

Green-up: A post-sbender period in which a body demands traditionally “healthy” food, but will settle for fried if no vegetables are available.

Fire Fly-by-Nights: Hallucinogenic night terrors that follow an excessive intake of sweet tea vodka.

2010-03-07T15:43:00.000-06:00

Whhyyyyy isn't there a show like Soul Train anymore?

It’s the Culmination of Your Life’s Events, in Tube-Form.

2010-03-01T06:45:00.003-06:00

Those smug Swedes. They've been hoarding squeezable bacon technology for years, but now, thanks to ThinkGeek, it's been liberated. Now you can purchase tubed bacon and have it shipped directly to your big, sweaty, knuckle-popped American paws to use as you see fit. (Toothpaste? Sexy-time prop? Edible mustache? Bacon flan?)

Stranger still, this bacon/gel hybrid allegedly has no preservatives, due to some hastily glossed over "freezing technology." Lie to me, bacon. You know I'll always forgive you.

"I Heard Jennifer Love Hewitt Started It"

2010-02-26T15:17:00.002-06:00

VAJAZZLE is a thing. This is where we are in 2010. This is the new Tupperware party.

What, you don't care to adorn your birdcage with Swarovski crystals? Heathen!

Piranhas 3-D Why You Makin' Me Wait?

2010-02-24T12:53:00.001-06:00

Hot Tub Time Machine comes out March 26. At first I was all, "Man, has someone been eavesdropping on my dreams?" And then I was all, "Wow. Movies have gotten terrible. This looks so bad/good I may have to see it." And then I was like, "Wait, John Cusack ... Chevy Chase???" Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that pitch meeting:

Exec #1: I've got it. You've got four unlikely best friends. They used to party a lot and be crazy, but life has beaten them down as they've gotten older.
Exec #2: Road trip!
Exec #1: I like it, but it can't be your normal four guys on a road trip movie.
Exec #2: Ok, some crazy shit happens at a ski resort, and they get sent back to 1986 and some more crazy shit happens and they all learn the value of being themselves.
Exec #1: Yeah, but how do they go back -
Exec #2: Hot tub.
Exec #1: Hot tub time machine. Bam. What's next?
Exec #2: What about a sequel to Bio-Dome?

Wizard-Related

2010-02-17T19:22:00.002-06:00

Ladies, you ever dated this guy?
"Sooo, I gotta tell you something. I was a wizard."
Oh. Ok, like D&D?
"And I was also in prison."
Wow. Ok. For something ... wizard-related?
"Aaaand since we're being honest, it's a horrifying jungle of man and lady parts down there. I've had a couple surgeries but the doctors are still sorting it out."

Classic. Am I right?

2010-02-16T16:27:00.001-06:00

My withering attention span thanks you, 5-Second Films.

Nomad Has a Chocolate Fountain

2010-02-14T09:15:00.006-06:00

(Song starts at 1:30)

I'm single and I don't hate Valentine's Day. There, I've said it. I know it's an unpopular thesis, but I don't see the problem with folks being good to each other, even if it takes an imagineered holiday for that to happen.

And maybe you don't have a significant other today. So what? That won't always be the case. Your perfect slob and you are still clumsily pawing through life, waiting to run into one another. And when it finally happens, just remember: You asked for it.

Till Half-time Do Us Part

2010-02-12T17:35:00.005-06:00

EMBED-Valentines Day Proposal Goes Wrong - Watch more free videos

Don't feel too bad for this guy.

Sure, the commitment-seeker gets rejected, but it happens in front of an entire professional cheerleading squad. Cheerleaders can't resist crap like that; it's like romantic kryptonite. He'll be a base in the pyramid by the fourth quarter.

Resist This Psychic Death

2010-02-12T14:37:00.006-06:00

Bros! This is the guy who's going to help you score chicks! No, the one on the left.

One of his Valentine's dating tips: "Dinner and a movie has been done to death. Invite her out to a late night at the aquarium or to paint pottery at an arts and crafts cafe and you can be sure you're the only person to have asked her on that date today."

Ummmm, the fuck, dude who looks like that dude in Green Day? After an uncomfortable string of Super Bowl ads that basically screamed, "I'm a living ghost and need a Dodge Charger to fill the space where my balls were," this just makes my soul feel damp, like when the lights come on at last call.

Word, dude from Mountain Goats. I don't particularly like your music, but I feel you on this topic.

I interviewed Julie Klausner a few weeks ago and, while I haven't transcribed it yet, she described an episode with an ex-boyfriend who had a Ziggy complex. There were tears of laughter, mostly, with a 10% chance of "Oh, wait, that sounds familiar." I don't know what's going on in Dudesville, but it's making my head feel all Scanners-y.

Quick, someone slide a guy down a bar top into a pyramid of beer cans already.

(How Can I Get?) One Last Screw

2010-02-09T19:46:00.006-06:00

So... Viking funeral isn't in your game plan? Cremation seems too... wind-dependant? Do you want to be buried with all of your appendages but don't want to clog up the cemetery the way your stuffy old grandparents did? Well! You're in luck! Donald Scruggs, an innovator out of California, has created the screw-in coffin.

This device can either can be twisted into the ground by your burliest friends (above), or it can be tightened into the earth with great reverence via backhoe (below).

Either way, it should make for a pretty rad farewell.

Your corpse will be sealed in resin, kinda like Han Solo when he was frozen in carbonite. Also, you can select either a metal casket (burial magnets!) or a clear plastic one, for that final "ta-dah!" moment.
Even its name is catchy: the Easy Inter Burial Container. Who's got the last laugh now, Death?

Ten Angry Vaginas

2010-02-06T13:22:00.000-06:00

Tyra Banks, keeping it classy. The opening line of this clip should nail down that Emmy. Also featured on this episode: "A woman whose legs won't stop growing." Freakshow re-airs Feb. 11, just in time for Valentine's Day.

No One Said Dating Your Rapist Would Be Easy

2010-01-28T09:19:00.001-06:00

via Julie Klausner

Windsor Sausage in Jelly

2010-01-26T23:04:00.000-06:00

A gelatin-filled visual journey through food ads and cookbook photos from the past.

Scene from a David Cronenberg film or acceptable dinner party dish?

Domestic abuse jokes!

I Kinda Want This Job

2010-01-25T20:05:00.004-06:00

From Reuters
- International hotel chain Holiday Inn is offering a trial human bed-warming service at three hotels in Britain this month.

If requested, a willing staff-member at two of the chain's London hotels and one in the northern English city of Manchester will dress in an all-in-one fleece sleeper suit before slipping between the sheets.

"The new Holiday Inn bed warmers service is a bit like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed," Holiday Inn spokeswoman Jane Bednall said in an emailed statement to Reuters.

Soooo, what I'm hearing is that somebody is going to get paid to traipse around hotels, wearing a fleece onesie, and catnapping in strangers' beds? Mine.

Snipers Anonymous

2010-01-22T10:39:00.001-06:00

Man Eggs. Just go there.

When 2012 Comes...

2010-01-20T16:46:00.001-06:00

Squeegee My Third Eye

2010-01-19T12:54:00.001-06:00

Remember that guy in college who took a lot of speed and never shut up about the Illuminati? He has a website now, and besides seeing occult symbols in places like the Denver airport and Pinocchio, it also takes on pop stars and their hidden agendas.

Did you know Lil Wayne's new video was directed by Satan? Or that Lady Gaga is a sleeper assassin? Obvs she's hiding more than just a potential disco stick under that Hello Kitty pile-up.

Jay-Z as a Mason, though, is something I can get with. He would make it cool to be a Mason again, and soon there will be a mass exodus of celebrities to secret temples, from which TMZ will do live broadcasts.

Together, We Can Put the "Fun" Back in "Funeral"

2010-01-17T18:14:00.005-06:00

Yesterday a ceiling fan fell on my head... while it was spinning. (A note: Whoever Final Destinationed me, if you would simply make yourself known and apologize, all will be forgotten.) It got me thinking about funerals and how antiquated they are. I ain’t going out like that.

Instead, I’ve decided that I want a tasteful affair. Something that really sums up my life’s accomplishments, so with much contemplation, I’ve decided on this: Viking funeral aboard a party barge, with my corpse stuffed in my tauntaun sleeping bag. Just so there’s no confusion, I’ve decided that the soundtrack should be all Jock Jamz. I’ve detailed the playlist below.

"Firestarter" – Prodigy (Lighting the barge)

"Push It" – Salt ‘n Pepa (Leaving the dock)

"You’re Unbelievable" – EMF (Floating away, with the crowd doing shots)

"Getting Jiggy Wit It" – Will Smith (The crowd is still doing shots and inappropriate spring break dancing is occurring)

"The Final Countdown" – Europe (As my humble river boat crashes into a delicate, endangered coral reef)

If my final wishes are not honored, my fire spirit will return to haunt the shit out of everyone. Undead me will crash on your couch, even if you had other plans that week. I will also drink all of your beers and never offer to pitch in for more. I’ll sign you up for magazine subscriptions online and click “Bill Me Later,” in an attempt to ruin your credit. I’ll also criticize every date you bring home – not to his/her face or anything, but to you, after he/she leaves. So yeah, you bitches better fulfill.

Earthquake Glue

2010-01-14T10:33:00.000-06:00

More Fun with Google

2010-01-13T09:41:00.000-06:00

A Nation Divided

2010-01-12T22:27:00.001-06:00

Like Being Trapped in a Scary Man Museum Overnight

2010-01-12T16:48:00.004-06:00

More here.

I Forgot About Those Volcano Nachos

2010-01-11T22:50:00.002-06:00

Enough already, America. No one asked Taco Bell to make their menu healthy. You eat there because it's drunk and you're late. I mean, it's open late.

What's next, KFC's Salad Buckets? Not in my lifetime. I'm still waiting for this monster to show up and devour the Midwest.

Brraaaap.

Note to 15-Year-Old Self

2010-01-11T15:43:00.000-06:00

Awesome.

Six Arrested in Indonesia for "Sexy Dancing"

2010-01-11T08:00:00.002-06:00

Last Tuesday, Indonesian police officials arrested six people for dancing too erotically in a local cafe, an act that is in conflict with local morality laws.

Via the AP:
"It could be described as sexy dancing. But more importantly, they were wearing minimal clothing and performing in public, which can stir desires," he said.

Under the country's anti-pornography law, the dancers could face up to 15 years in jail if convicted, he added.

The controversial law, passed in October last year, criminalises all works and "bodily movements" deemed obscene and capable of violating public morality.

It has prompted protests across Indonesia, with critics saying it could threaten traditional cultures from temple statues on Hindu Bali island to penis sheaths on tribesmen in Christian and animist Papua province.

But this story isn't entirely true: There were seven "Sexy Dancers," and the cafe was rigged with security cameras. Understandably, So Like Yeah is the first site to show the secret footage of the morality violators. Be prepared: It's shocking.

The Flowers are Still Standing

2010-01-09T09:36:00.002-06:00

Via
I spill coffee, wine, and queso on myself daily. I'm scared to go camping because bears will sniff out my awkwardness and attack me while I sleep. I, in turn, will respond by flailing into the tent while struggling to escape, and accidentally wrapping myself up like a giant burrito, or a fly in a spider web of my own design. For me, taking off a pair of gloves is less like an En Vogue video, and more like an I Love Lucy excerpt. Yep. I'm "That Girl."
Shit like this amazes me.

A Triangle More Perplexing Than That One in Bermuda

2010-01-09T09:23:00.004-06:00

So, scientists have discovered that a woman's most mystical place, may not exist. Again.

"A sexual quest that has for years baffled millions of women — and men — may have been in vain. A study by British scientists has found that the mysterious G-spot, the sexual pleasure zone said to be possessed by some women but denied to others, may not exist at all.
The scientists at King’s College London who carried out the study claim there is no evidence for the existence of the G-spot — supposedly a cluster of internal nerve endings — outside the imagination of women influenced by magazines and sex therapists. They reached their conclusions after a survey of more than 1,800 British women."

Haven’t we seen this study performed more than a dozen different ways with a dozen different results over the last 50 years? Why are nerve endings within the human body more illusive to scientists than dark matter? And who are the intrepid field agents “gathering data” on this seemingly unquantifiable topic? My guess? These guys:

You May Develop a Leathery Tail

2010-01-09T09:01:00.003-06:00

There are so many terrible commercials for this birth control pill that it's tough to pick a favorite. However, I'm partial to this one. Here's why: A.) One of the women has clearly been having near-suicidal bouts of depression mixed with agoraphobia. This is quickly glossed over by the group's alpha female. B.) Girls hang out at trendy rooftop nightclubs and talk about PMDD. Now you know, boys! And when we go to the bathroom, it's just an excuse to exchange medical journals on the topic. C.) What about this ad would ever, ever, ever lead a gal to want to put this hormone-based Hiroshima in her body? It's crazy talk. They might as well have run the ad for Annuale.

You Can Jump Into the Fire

2010-01-07T11:51:00.005-06:00

Alex Carnevale's lovely post over at This Recording got me thinking about the past decade. I came into the 2000s at 19, going on 20. I left them at 30. In college, I had a cell phone, but only because my mom gave me one before I went away to school. A cell phone meant that, even if I was kidnapped and raped and thrown in a ditch (her worst case scenario), I could call and let her know. Now, there are too many ways to let people know you're possibly a headless corpse wandering I-95. Such is progress. We adapt.

I graduated college eight months after 9/11. The "Iraq" war started right when I got my first job at a newspaper. I moved to Austin the day after Bush was re-elected. It's strange, all these milemarkers in life measured against the horrible things that rode in the backseat with us.

Are you perpetually afraid you're going to lose your wallet? I am. When you grab for it and it's gone, that sinking feeling in your gut is a powerful feeling. This decade had a lot to do with adapting, as well as balancing a foggy daydream of youthful invincibility with waking, walking terror.

A do-over, Carnevale asks. I learned a lot in my 20s, and made bad decisions and mistakes and told out-and-out lies to get out of things, like the people that run our country do. I also had a really fun time and met some of my best friends. In the past decade, music, for the most part, got really bad again, which means the ten-teens can only get better. Well, historically.

Whew. Let's bring the lights back up. Please enjoy this video of a cat whose crazy owner forces it to eat with a fork. Yes, the Internet is a vortex and we will reach the end soon.

Forever 21 Has It

2010-01-02T20:56:00.000-06:00

Style highlights from Roseanne.

This Time I'm Gonna Be a Free Woman

2010-01-02T20:39:00.000-06:00

Comin' at ya like a Northern bullet.

Like Those Nicotine Patch Night Terrors, But Real

2010-01-02T09:07:00.006-06:00

Wilton Manors, Sweaty Updo's and my former residence, is a quirky city that spoons Fort Lauderdale. Census data shows that it has approximately 1270% more gay men per capita than the national average. This means, basically, that the grocery stores blast Donna Summer, there are no women's restrooms anywhere, and "Female Illusionist" is everyone's night job. You also learn that no illusionist wants to be just a woman; he wants to create the largest, most inflated representation of female characteristics imaginable. It gets a little creepy. It also gets a little cutthroat.

Enter scene: Twat LaRouge. Why fight the crowds as just another man-turned-diva with size GGs, Dolly Parton hair, and giant, Florida Turnpike employee finger nails? Especially when you can take the road less travelled: Giant striptease drag puppet.

It Burns Me Eyes!

2009-12-31T08:42:00.004-06:00

Yes, I know. Your lady part is a jewel to be worshiped. You must hide it from griffins because the fortune is so valuable. You live in fear of panty raids from treasure-plundering pirates.
I get it. It’s “all that.”

Isn’t it a shame that not everyone knows this? There should be a way to commission an “artist” to bring your sacred love clam out of the shadows, by recreating it as a pendant for the whole world to enjoy. (Would that be called a “clameo?”)
Thankfully, the South Floridian crafter behind Vulvalovelovely wants to do just that. Send her some photos of your snail trail and she’ll gleefully empower the shit out of you.
I can think of about a million reasons why this is the creepiest thing I’ve seen all week, so let’s just focus on one element: meeting men at bars while your vadge medallion stares them down. What do you even say?

“Do you like what you see?”
“If you put your ear against it, you can hear the ocean!”
“It’s not to scale.”
“There’s a tiny compass on the back... “
“It operates on roughly the same principles as Hypercolor…”
"When the warranty expires, I might upgrade."

Way to keep it skeezy, Florida!

Laser Christmas Cats

2009-12-25T12:01:00.003-06:00

The fellas who brought you Engineer's Guide to Cats have made a new holiday greeting, with Lasers.

Have a Merry MIDI Christmas

2009-12-25T11:00:00.002-06:00

So you're trapped indoors while your family applauds Lou Diamond Phillips cameos on Spike? You're shovelling food in your mouth in an attempt to dodge your mother's "If you were my facebook friend..." sentences? Wondering what to do with all of those holiday tube socks?

Tune it all out and watch this simple MIDI file video. Still stressed? Consider trepanning. What do "doctors" know anyway?

Sometimes it's good to have both feet off the ground

2009-12-22T14:56:00.002-06:00

Happy holidays from SLY.

WWTD?

2009-12-19T16:56:00.000-06:00

Don't forget, tomorrow at Mohawk, the AustinSurreal holiday party. 10pm, free. So Like Yeah will be in the house, doling out misfortune cookies.

And now, for your enjoyment, the premiere of Hangin' With Twitter Jesus.

Response Received from Craigslist Posting Requesting "Party Talent"

2009-12-18T14:47:00.005-06:00

Left unedited. Thanks, Mike.

*******************************
Model/Actress/Dancer/Writer/Singer/Wrestler
512-785-**** Cell
Call anytime day or night

RACE:50%Chinese/25%Scottish/25%Sioux Indian HEIGHT: 5'10'' HAIR: Black/Auburn/Goldish/Brown EYES: Brown LOCATION: Manhattan NYC BIRTH:8-13-87 AGE:21 ASTROLOGICAL SIGN:Leo
CHINESE BIRTH SIGN: Rabbit
MEASUREMENTS Bra size 36C Waist 32 Hips 36 SHOE: 10 DRESS SIZE 9-10 depending on designer
TATTOOS: 4 on back small Unicorn upper right shoulder blade colored, upper mid back down to below butt Large 2 tigers dancing black and white, Small of back tribal with 3 blue roses, lower small of back colored angels 1male 1female holding each other, 1 right wrist black tribal cover up, 1 inner lower lip ''Wicked Demon'' black'', 1 below breasts vine with a skull in the middle. PIERCINGS: 5 belly button, 1 tong, 5 ears.

EXPERIENCE:
Foot Modeling NY, NY 2004, Propaganda Magazine Print Spread Fetish Model NY, NY 2004 Extra preview to horror movie NY, NY Jt Talent & Casting 2004, Exotic Dancer Sugars & Perfect 10 night club Austin Tx 2005-2008, Foam Bikini Dance Contest 1st place winner Paradox Nightclub Austin Tx. 2006

Special Skills:
State Boxing Champion in South Dakota 7thgrade, Swimming for long periods of time, Holding breath for a min. (front flips, back flips, hand stands, cart wheels into the pool, diving, and jumping into the pool using my gymnastics experience and Dance) Gymnastics (cartwheels, front flips,splits front and back, back bends, back bend side turns, head stand, and a few other tricks I learned to do on my own that don't have a name ), Dance (Salsa, break dancing, belly dancing, stunts, ballet, tap, hip hop, exotic, Pole dancing) Horse Back Ridding ( putting the saddle on, reins on, Western, English, Bareback style ridding, I like bare back the most), Burping on command, I can burp for a few min straight never timed it but they can be long it i try, Stick fighting, gun shooting, Soccer (good at goalie), Skiing, Tennis, Dodge Ball, Scuba Diving, Fishing, I was a Girl Scout, so I know ''Survival Skills'', double jointed in my arms (can pop them out of socket, and hold my hands together in the front and put them over my head and make them go to the back with out releasing my hands), touching my nose with my tong, volleyball.

Studio Fifty-Fur

2009-12-18T10:25:00.001-06:00

This story has been torturing me all day. Yes, it is really horrible the bear went out like that, but I can't stop envisioning the trip it must have been on, the epic woodland rager. Because you know it wasn't just that bear, it was other forest creatures too.

I feel like this need a comic strip re-enactment.

Nightmaresville, Pop. 1

2009-12-16T11:42:00.003-06:00

I've always had my suspicions about octopusssses: The beak, eight arms, and ability to escape in ways that haunt my dreams. They are not to be trusted, and fuuuuuck, now they've made armor.

My theory about an octopocalypse doesn't sound so crazy now, does it!!

Requiem for a Turkey Sandwich

2009-12-15T23:01:00.000-06:00

Charles Simic on leaving your mark in books, and championing the dog-eared.

It's a Christmas Miracle!

2009-12-15T12:55:00.003-06:00

Let's just throw a shout out to our New Times, Broward peeps and their blog, The Juice. Thanks gang, for keeping us abreast of truly important things like when this SoFla gal, named... wait for it... Merry Christmas, was arrested yesterday for having friction with the 5-0.

As per The Juice

"Just because your name is "Merry Christmas" doesn't mean you can go resisting arrest during the holiday season. That's allegedly what happened in Boynton Beach, where a 44-year-old woman by that name -- who probably grows irritable every year at this time -- came out of her home to shout at a woman who was being interviewed by police."

"But while a great deal of credit belongs to Christmas herself and
to the police officer who threw her in cuffs, let's not forget the contributions of serious news gatherers like Tory Dunnan of WPBF, who faced the terrifying prospect of filing a live report on this arrest yet managed to keep a straight face. A true pro, Dunnan also showed remarkable restraint avoiding the predictable punch lines you'd expect from a local newscast vying for web hits.

That report would have started something like this:

"Here's a holiday story that only a Grinch would enjoy..."

And it would have ended something like this:

"... This is one Merry Christmas that may not have a 'Happy New Year.'" (Pause for effect.) "Back to you, Kristin."

It's true, actually. The video footage is priceless. Check it out HERE. And no, her bday isn't even on Christmas; it's on the 28th. You can't get more South Florida than this, kiddos.

File it Under: Stuff Nobody Cares About Unless They're From Miami

2009-12-15T11:09:00.005-06:00

Poor Rickie Ross. His frail self esteem took another blow this week when he was "snubbed" by the Grammys. But our favorite self-proclaimed Miami druglord-turned-rapper really shouldn't feel that bad; you can't get snubbed from something you were never considered for.

Like, "Wow, I'm so angry about getting snubbed from the Nobel's this year. My ant farm was killer." See, that makes no sense.

Neither does this: "I can't believe Ace Ventura Jr: Pet Detective was snubbed by the Academy Awards. Have you seen the things that boy can do with his face? Hilarious!"

And yet, getting ignored at the Grammys struck a sense of discord in our lil' hustler's heart. He recently responded by popping himself into a remix of Beyonce's jam, "Video Phone." It has the vibe of a creepy guy who's made his way into your vacation photos. Sure, Ross is only in the first minute or so, but he still manages to drop wisdom like "What I think about the Grammy's? I think they are haters. What they think 'bout the album? They think it's amazin'."

Absorb 58 seconds of lameness below:

Lovborg's Women Considered

2009-12-14T23:45:00.001-06:00

Molly Lambert Googled it.

Art v. Science

2009-12-14T09:32:00.000-06:00

Two of our favorite Floridians are waging war against each other here. Check out the latest installment, "The Patriot Act in One Act." Oh, and all the other ones too.

The Nights Were Walls (We Climbed Them All)

2009-12-13T22:25:00.000-06:00

No Stoichiometry Required

2009-12-09T18:19:00.005-06:00

We've seen periodic table cookies and cupcakes before, but Not So Humble Pie has made some truly cute ones. We'll forgive the exclusion of superheavies, lanthanoids, and actinoids, because really, who needs 'em?
She's also made lab rats, scientists, petri dish stains, and the below-pictured cephalopods.

Another favorite? Those creeping lab staples: gel electrophoresis cookies. Great ideas for dorky chem cooks.

Suck it, Apis Mellifera!

2009-12-09T06:33:00.004-06:00

Sure, owning an apiary of traditional European honeybees carries a bit of panache, but anyone with access to top bar hive diagrams could do that. You want to redefine your social status with your insect legion, so take the road less travelled: keep bees that drink human tears.

...workers drank lachrymation (tears) from human eyes in more than 262 naturally-occurred cases at 10 sites in N and S Thailand during all months of the year. A few visits were also seen to eyes of zebu and dog, indicating a probable broad mammalian host range. On man the bees were relatively gentle visitors, mostly landing on the lower eyelashes from where they imbibed tears for 0.5-2.5 min, often singly but occasionally in congregations of 5-7 specimens per eye.

Via Boingboing.net

Lists, Music, Problems

2009-12-08T23:12:00.000-06:00

From Sam McPheeters:

"I know I'm almost a half-decade behind on this one, but I'm still waiting for the metalcore group The Devil Wears Prada to spark a massive paradigm shift in band naming. What could be more post-everything than naming your group after a movie based on a book that directly references a high-visibility company name? Where are the new bands named 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe V6, or Save On Verizon High Speed Internet, or Barbie Wild Horse Rescue For Xbox 360? Also: Question: if you named your band The Devil Wears Prada Soundtrack, who would get to sue you?"

Your Job Sucks

2009-12-07T18:41:00.003-06:00

Sorry gang, hiring for this gig ended in November. It involves "qualitative and quantitative data collection and analysis" at strip clubs, which is sexy scientist speak for "get paid to get your freak on." Hey Research Operator, is that a slide rule in your pocket or... oh, never mind, it's a slide rule. (Via the annals of improbable research)

From the University of Leeds Job Vacancies site:

Research Officer - The rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy
(Job reference: 316199 )
Faculty of Education, Social Sciences and Law
School of Sociology and Social Policy
(Full-time, fixed term 12 months from March 2010)

You will work on an ESRC funded study on the rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy. The post will involve qualitative and quantitative data collection and analysis. It is based in Leeds, although some travel to other cities may be necessary.

You will have, or be about to complete, a postgraduate qualification in the social sciences or relevant subject and some appropriate research experience. You will be mainly responsible for access and fieldwork. Good interviewing, communication and organisational skills are essential as is the ability to work independently and as part of a team. Experience of interviewing and conducting surveys is essential, as is prior experience of conducting research in the female sex industry.

It is anticipated that interviews will take place on December 14 2009
Salary: Grade 7 (£29,704 - £35,469 p.a)

Hold Up

2009-12-07T10:04:00.002-06:00

Dialogues I've Possibly Hallucinated When Waking Up With the TV On at 3am

2009-12-07T08:06:00.009-06:00

Cable access host Tom Talaverde: OK, OK, tonight, we’ve got Phyllis Schnauber, pet agent. “We give PAWS for celebrity” is her calling card, and she’s handled some of the biggest names in Hollywood in the last two decades. Phyllis Schnauber, welcome her.

[Applause]

Phyllis: Thank you, thank you...

Tom: Just how do you do it, handling these pet stars for as long as you have?

Phyllis: You know, it’s a calling for me, really. Even as a kid growing up in Passaic, New Jersey, I had a knack for spotting talent.

Tom: Now what kind of animals will you represent? Just dogs and cats?

Phyllis: Dogs and cats mostly but we will represent other trainable creatures from the animal kingdom. We’ve done rabbits, though they were much more popular in the Eighties. We did a turtle for Turtle Soup, the 1991 comedy about a turtle that learns to cook, voiced by Stephen Wright, the comedian. It was very funny, years before that Ratatouille picture! And then there was that beautiful mare, Charmaine. But the Hollywood life was not for her and she od’d on tranquilizers right after River of Courage came out. But she did get to star alongside Sean Penn, so, ya know...

[Cut to movie posters...
Turtle Soup : A turtle sitting in a ladle with a stoic face and the tagline, “You ever wonder why they call it soup?”
River of Courage: Closeup of a horse and Sean Penn looking off into the distance.]

Tom: Now, you made headlines recently for dropping one of your clients.

Phyllis: Yes, yes.

[Cut to still of a Chinese Crested]

Phyllis: Krysten, yes. She has issues, it’s true, and I knew that going in. But I saw the potential there. After the success of Marked for Love, she just let it get away from her...the neutered sex parties, the fling with Colin Farrell. She also had an eating disorder, I’m not gonna lie.

What's Not to Like About This?

2009-12-05T09:51:00.001-06:00

Via

Chivalry Is Dead

2009-12-05T09:35:00.005-06:00

Via Worldfamousdesignjunkies.com

The President Polls Well With Main Street

2009-12-04T12:01:00.005-06:00

Ecstasy pills created in His likeness were confiscated in Texas. To be fair, the dealer is thought to be bipartisan; he was also delivering capsules shaped like Homer Simpson and various smurfs.
Link to story.... HERE!

"This Party's Over" -- Mace Windu

2009-12-03T12:46:00.004-06:00

The So Like Estroplex is hunkering down and preparing for tomorrow's arctic weather conditions (low 30s). By now you've heard Austin's fate: we will be covered in snow like the Echo Base of Hoth. Since no Jedi wants to be left out in the cold, we recommend you purchase our new, favorite slumber gear:

Get it at Thinkgeek.com

What We've Learned from the New Plan B Commercial

2009-12-01T18:13:00.002-06:00

It's really just the first 25 seconds of this commercial that make you wonder. The rest is just a "life goes on" montage of unrelated images.

So, uh, what happened last night, right ladies?
Yep, we understand that their birth control failed...but, where did all of their suitors go? You might also notice that they're only sleeping on "their side" of the beds, meaning they didn't realize that Mr. Fly By Night had sublimated until they woke up. Hence the "oh shit, why don't I ever learn" forehead clutch, repeated five times -- like a walk of shame fun house mirror.

Looks like it's breakfast tacos for uno, again.

The So Like Beehive is Buzzing

2009-12-01T17:50:00.005-06:00

So Like Yeah just received a stack of Sassy magazines from a generous benefactor. It shot us back to an era of zines, mom jeans, Love’s Baby Soft, and Channel One (We’re lookin’ at YOU Anderson Cooper!). Covers featured headlines like “Tormented boys: Are they predators or prey?” Finding a favorite article so far is tough, but here’s where we’re at.

Kind Robot: Gotta be “Star Trek Conventions: Nerd Magnets or Intellectual Summits?” Narration is handled by two homegirls debating which version (Original or The Next Generation) is superior. Their goal: Live out their Trekkie fandom and observe what they expect to be an undoubtable dudefest. The lesson learned? Don’t underestimate your dweeby sisters. The event was packed with… 14-year-old girls. Wearing pointy ears. Talkin’ science. Geeking out.
It was adorbs.

Sweaty Updo: The “Stuff You Wrote” pages feature some pretty amazing(ly) bad poetry, the kind birthed from the freshly stoned, still malleable mind of a 13 to 18-year- old girl, sitting in her in bedroom in suburban Florida, dying her hair with Kool Aid and wearing oversized Soundgarden t-shirts with overalls. I’m not saying that was me, but whatever, it was 1995 and it was just some slam poetry, ok?

“Why do I feel like I’m living in a great game of pin the tail on the donkey in a place where everyone is blinded by ideals and misguided by society.” – Jennifer, Wappingers Falls, NY

Preach on, Jennifer. Or is that you, Alanis Morissette?

I’ve also got to quote the answer J Mascis gave in a “Dear Boy” column, about whether or not guys like big or small butts: “Whatever it is, just get into it.”

Sadly, the Tribe perfume flaps have lost their scent.