It Burns Me Eyes!

Yes, I know. Your lady part is a jewel to be worshiped. You must hide it from griffins because the fortune is so valuable. You live in fear of panty raids from treasure-plundering pirates.
I get it. It’s “all that.”

Isn’t it a shame that not everyone knows this? There should be a way to commission an “artist” to bring your sacred love clam out of the shadows, by recreating it as a pendant for the whole world to enjoy. (Would that be called a “clameo?”)
Thankfully, the South Floridian crafter behind Vulvalovelovely wants to do just that. Send her some photos of your snail trail and she’ll gleefully empower the shit out of you.
I can think of about a million reasons why this is the creepiest thing I’ve seen all week, so let’s just focus on one element: meeting men at bars while your vadge medallion stares them down. What do you even say?

“Do you like what you see?”
“If you put your ear against it, you can hear the ocean!”
“It’s not to scale.”
“There’s a tiny compass on the back... “
“It operates on roughly the same principles as Hypercolor…”
"When the warranty expires, I might upgrade."

Way to keep it skeezy, Florida!

Laser Christmas Cats

The fellas who brought you Engineer's Guide to Cats have made a new holiday greeting, with Lasers.

Have a Merry MIDI Christmas

So you're trapped indoors while your family applauds Lou Diamond Phillips cameos on Spike? You're shovelling food in your mouth in an attempt to dodge your mother's "If you were my facebook friend..." sentences? Wondering what to do with all of those holiday tube socks?

Tune it all out and watch this simple MIDI file video. Still stressed? Consider trepanning. What do "doctors" know anyway?

Sometimes it's good to have both feet off the ground

Happy holidays from SLY.

WWTD?

Don't forget, tomorrow at Mohawk, the AustinSurreal holiday party. 10pm, free. So Like Yeah will be in the house, doling out misfortune cookies.

And now, for your enjoyment, the premiere of Hangin' With Twitter Jesus.

Response Received from Craigslist Posting Requesting "Party Talent"

Left unedited. Thanks, Mike.

*******************************
Model/Actress/Dancer/Writer/Singer/Wrestler
512-785-**** Cell
Call anytime day or night

RACE:50%Chinese/25%Scottish/25%Sioux Indian HEIGHT: 5'10'' HAIR: Black/Auburn/Goldish/Brown EYES: Brown LOCATION: Manhattan NYC BIRTH:8-13-87 AGE:21 ASTROLOGICAL SIGN:Leo
CHINESE BIRTH SIGN: Rabbit
MEASUREMENTS Bra size 36C Waist 32 Hips 36 SHOE: 10 DRESS SIZE 9-10 depending on designer
TATTOOS: 4 on back small Unicorn upper right shoulder blade colored, upper mid back down to below butt Large 2 tigers dancing black and white, Small of back tribal with 3 blue roses, lower small of back colored angels 1male 1female holding each other, 1 right wrist black tribal cover up, 1 inner lower lip ''Wicked Demon'' black'', 1 below breasts vine with a skull in the middle. PIERCINGS: 5 belly button, 1 tong, 5 ears.

EXPERIENCE:
Foot Modeling NY, NY 2004, Propaganda Magazine Print Spread Fetish Model NY, NY 2004 Extra preview to horror movie NY, NY Jt Talent & Casting 2004, Exotic Dancer Sugars & Perfect 10 night club Austin Tx 2005-2008, Foam Bikini Dance Contest 1st place winner Paradox Nightclub Austin Tx. 2006

Special Skills:
State Boxing Champion in South Dakota 7thgrade, Swimming for long periods of time, Holding breath for a min. (front flips, back flips, hand stands, cart wheels into the pool, diving, and jumping into the pool using my gymnastics experience and Dance) Gymnastics (cartwheels, front flips,splits front and back, back bends, back bend side turns, head stand, and a few other tricks I learned to do on my own that don't have a name ), Dance (Salsa, break dancing, belly dancing, stunts, ballet, tap, hip hop, exotic, Pole dancing) Horse Back Ridding ( putting the saddle on, reins on, Western, English, Bareback style ridding, I like bare back the most), Burping on command, I can burp for a few min straight never timed it but they can be long it i try, Stick fighting, gun shooting, Soccer (good at goalie), Skiing, Tennis, Dodge Ball, Scuba Diving, Fishing, I was a Girl Scout, so I know ''Survival Skills'', double jointed in my arms (can pop them out of socket, and hold my hands together in the front and put them over my head and make them go to the back with out releasing my hands), touching my nose with my tong, volleyball.

Studio Fifty-Fur

This story has been torturing me all day. Yes, it is really horrible the bear went out like that, but I can't stop envisioning the trip it must have been on, the epic woodland rager. Because you know it wasn't just that bear, it was other forest creatures too. 

I feel like this need a comic strip re-enactment.