Chill the Fuck Out, 2010

This year SLY covered the hard-hitting issues: parasites, the Double Down, Vajazzling, and the coming robotpocalypse. So if you're still with us at this point, thanks! 2011 is going to be even better. The SLY "Test Kitchen" is going to ramp the fuck up and it's not just gonna be food in there! So let's just zone out until then, OK? Just chill out!

Throw Your Diamonds Up

At least Benold's has a sense of humor about the whole holiday jewelry guilt/shame spiral. Shows like Bridalplasty remind me that, yes, a very small group of women probably demands diamond rings and other superficial status updates for Christmas, and a small group of men thinks that's still what a woman wants. On the whole in 2010, who are these ridiculous ads targeting, and who can afford it? We live in a time when people are scouring their homes for shit to send to Cash4Gold.com.

And they've gotten really diverse this year: Kay finally put an African-American couple in one of its ads, to balance out the weird rape fantasies and overall whiteness elsewhere in their marketing campaign. The soft, white snow; the cut diamonds; the straight, white teeth. It's so blandly heteronormative. Good job, jewelers.



And this Zales commercial .... they all look one blink away from outing themselves as lizard people, especially the guy at the :10 minute mark. After he strangles her with the necklace of course. Benold's was right! He just cut the power! Run, girl!