Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Windsor Sausage in Jelly

A gelatin-filled visual journey through food ads and cookbook photos from the past.

Scene from a David Cronenberg film or acceptable dinner party dish?

 Domestic abuse jokes!

Monday, January 25, 2010

I Kinda Want This Job

From Reuters
- International hotel chain Holiday Inn is offering a trial human bed-warming service at three hotels in Britain this month.

If requested, a willing staff-member at two of the chain's London hotels and one in the northern English city of Manchester will dress in an all-in-one fleece sleeper suit before slipping between the sheets.

"The new Holiday Inn bed warmers service is a bit like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed," Holiday Inn spokeswoman Jane Bednall said in an emailed statement to Reuters.

Soooo, what I'm hearing is that somebody is going to get paid to traipse around hotels, wearing a fleece onesie, and catnapping in strangers' beds? Mine.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Squeegee My Third Eye

Remember that guy in college who took a lot of speed and never shut up about the Illuminati? He has a website now, and besides seeing occult symbols in places like the Denver airport and Pinocchio, it also takes on pop stars and their hidden agendas.

Did you know Lil Wayne's new video was directed by Satan? Or that Lady Gaga is a sleeper assassin? Obvs she's hiding more than just a potential disco stick under that Hello Kitty pile-up.

Jay-Z as a Mason, though, is something I can get with. He would make it cool to be a Mason again, and soon there will be a mass exodus of celebrities to secret temples, from which TMZ will do live broadcasts.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Together, We Can Put the "Fun" Back in "Funeral"

Yesterday a ceiling fan fell on my head... while it was spinning. (A note: Whoever Final Destinationed me, if you would simply make yourself known and apologize, all will be forgotten.) It got me thinking about funerals and how antiquated they are. I ain’t going out like that.

Instead, I’ve decided that I want a tasteful affair. Something that really sums up my life’s accomplishments, so with much contemplation, I’ve decided on this: Viking funeral aboard a party barge, with my corpse stuffed in my tauntaun sleeping bag. Just so there’s no confusion, I’ve decided that the soundtrack should be all Jock Jamz. I’ve detailed the playlist below.

"Firestarter" – Prodigy (Lighting the barge)

"Push It" – Salt ‘n Pepa (Leaving the dock)

"You’re Unbelievable" – EMF (Floating away, with the crowd doing shots)

"Getting Jiggy Wit It"
– Will Smith (The crowd is still doing shots and inappropriate spring break dancing is occurring)

"The Final Countdown"
– Europe (As my humble river boat crashes into a delicate, endangered coral reef)

If my final wishes are not honored, my fire spirit will return to haunt the shit out of everyone. Undead me will crash on your couch, even if you had other plans that week. I will also drink all of your beers and never offer to pitch in for more. I’ll sign you up for magazine subscriptions online and click “Bill Me Later,” in an attempt to ruin your credit. I’ll also criticize every date you bring home – not to his/her face or anything, but to you, after he/she leaves. So yeah, you bitches better fulfill.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Monday, January 11, 2010

I Forgot About Those Volcano Nachos

Enough already, America. No one asked Taco Bell to make their menu healthy. You eat there because it's drunk and you're late. I mean, it's open late.

What's next, KFC's Salad Buckets? Not in my lifetime. I'm still waiting for this monster to show up and devour the Midwest.


Note to 15-Year-Old Self


Six Arrested in Indonesia for "Sexy Dancing"

Last Tuesday, Indonesian police officials arrested six people for dancing too erotically in a local cafe, an act that is in conflict with local morality laws.

Via the AP:
"It could be described as sexy dancing. But more importantly, they were wearing minimal clothing and performing in public, which can stir desires," he said.

Under the country's anti-pornography law, the dancers could face up to 15 years in jail if convicted, he added.

The controversial law, passed in October last year, criminalises all works and "bodily movements" deemed obscene and capable of violating public morality.

It has prompted protests across Indonesia, with critics saying it could threaten traditional cultures from temple statues on Hindu Bali island to penis sheaths on tribesmen in Christian and animist Papua province.

But this story isn't entirely true: There were seven "Sexy Dancers," and the cafe was rigged with security cameras. Understandably, So Like Yeah is the first site to show the secret footage of the morality violators. Be prepared: It's shocking.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Flowers are Still Standing

I spill coffee, wine, and queso on myself daily. I'm scared to go camping because bears will sniff out my awkwardness and attack me while I sleep. I, in turn, will respond by flailing into the tent while struggling to escape, and accidentally wrapping myself up like a giant burrito, or a fly in a spider web of my own design. For me, taking off a pair of gloves is less like an En Vogue video, and more like an I Love Lucy excerpt. Yep. I'm "That Girl."
Shit like this amazes me.

A Triangle More Perplexing Than That One in Bermuda

So, scientists have discovered that a woman's most mystical place, may not exist. Again.

"A sexual quest that has for years baffled millions of women — and men — may have been in vain. A study by British scientists has found that the mysterious G-spot, the sexual pleasure zone said to be possessed by some women but denied to others, may not exist at all.
The scientists at King’s College London who carried out the study claim there is no evidence for the existence of the G-spot — supposedly a cluster of internal nerve endings — outside the imagination of women influenced by magazines and sex therapists. They reached their conclusions after a survey of more than 1,800 British women."

Haven’t we seen this study performed more than a dozen different ways with a dozen different results over the last 50 years? Why are nerve endings within the human body more illusive to scientists than dark matter? And who are the intrepid field agents “gathering data” on this seemingly unquantifiable topic? My guess? These guys:

You May Develop a Leathery Tail

There are so many terrible commercials for this birth control pill that it's tough to pick a favorite. However, I'm partial to this one. Here's why: A.) One of the women has clearly been having near-suicidal bouts of depression mixed with agoraphobia. This is quickly glossed over by the group's alpha female. B.) Girls hang out at trendy rooftop nightclubs and talk about PMDD. Now you know, boys! And when we go to the bathroom, it's just an excuse to exchange medical journals on the topic. C.) What about this ad would ever, ever, ever lead a gal to want to put this hormone-based Hiroshima in her body? It's crazy talk. They might as well have run the ad for Annuale.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

You Can Jump Into the Fire

Alex Carnevale's lovely post over at This Recording got me thinking about the past decade. I came into the 2000s at 19, going on 20. I left them at 30. In college, I had a cell phone, but only because my mom gave me one before I went away to school. A cell phone meant that, even if I was kidnapped and raped and thrown in a ditch (her worst case scenario), I could call and let her know. Now, there are too many ways to let people know you're possibly a headless corpse wandering I-95. Such is progress. We adapt.

I graduated college eight months after 9/11. The "Iraq" war started right when I got my first job at a newspaper. I moved to Austin the day after Bush was re-elected. It's strange, all these milemarkers in life measured against the horrible things that rode in the backseat with us.

Are you perpetually afraid you're going to lose your wallet? I am. When you grab for it and it's gone, that sinking feeling in your gut is a powerful feeling. This decade had a lot to do with adapting, as well as balancing a foggy daydream of youthful invincibility with waking, walking terror.

A do-over, Carnevale asks. I learned a lot in my 20s, and made bad decisions and mistakes and told out-and-out lies to get out of things, like the people that run our country do. I also had a really fun time and met some of my best friends. In the past decade, music, for the most part, got really bad again, which means the ten-teens can only get better. Well, historically.

Whew. Let's bring the lights back up. Please enjoy this video of a cat whose crazy owner forces it to eat with a fork. Yes, the Internet is a vortex and we will reach the end soon.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Forever 21 Has It

Style highlights from Roseanne.

This Time I'm Gonna Be a Free Woman

Comin' at ya like a Northern bullet. 

Like Those Nicotine Patch Night Terrors, But Real

Wilton Manors, Sweaty Updo's and my former residence, is a quirky city that spoons Fort Lauderdale. Census data shows that it has approximately 1270% more gay men per capita than the national average. This means, basically, that the grocery stores blast Donna Summer, there are no women's restrooms anywhere, and "Female Illusionist" is everyone's night job. You also learn that no illusionist wants to be just a woman; he wants to create the largest, most inflated representation of female characteristics imaginable. It gets a little creepy. It also gets a little cutthroat.

Enter scene: Twat LaRouge. Why fight the crowds as just another man-turned-diva with size GGs, Dolly Parton hair, and giant, Florida Turnpike employee finger nails? Especially when you can take the road less travelled: Giant striptease drag puppet.