Monday, October 26, 2009

Pardon Me, Do I Offend?

A dark horseman has emerged in the never-ending quest to prey on women's insecurities. Minty fresh snake oil salesmen, Linger Internal Feminine Flavoring, is marketing a breath mint for your most subcutaneous lady part. Because... you have halitosis of the vadge. Next they will sell you vaginal chap stick and orthodontics that you can't afford because you blew your tax return on that hymen replacement/labia reconstruction combo deal.
The most offensive thing about Linger is that the product isn't even safe. Mother Jones Assistant Editor Jen Phillips researched the product's parent company: it makes traditional oral breath mints for trade shows, then repackages them for your 'tang. How does that affect you and your love clam? Well, sugar is a catalyst for yeast, meaning that should you pop a couple Lingers, your oven is instantly set to raise.
And really, why are they targeting the gentler genitalia? Why not the scrotum? Fabreeze for Balls? Faballz? At least that would be doing the world a needed service.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

So Like Lexicon

Manvalanche: When all of the boys you're interested in show up to the same social gathering. (Via Sweaty Updo)

Himbo: A male bimbo. (Via Shelley)

Carmageddon: Mopac or I-35 between the hours of 4:15 and 6:45 p.m.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sugar Bush is Ready for Her Close Up

New Times of Broward, Palm Beach broke the story in '06. Crack writer Julia Reischel and photographer Colby Katz uncovered the tale of Sugar Bush. Read the story here (you should, it's a great article), and you'll find that a small squirrel with an affinity for fancy dressing was hell-bent on ending the War on Terror.

Whether or not Sugar Bush's pictorial photo spreads have had any influence on Washington is still unclear, but they were enough to grab the attention of California-based production company, Small Wonder Films. The new documentary, Sugar Bush Squirrel: The Movie, pans in less on our sciuridae superstar and more her handler, Kelly Foxton of Boca Raton. Watch the trailer here. It will make your life.

(Too lazy to follow a link? Really? Fine, you'll have to settle for this pathetic stand-in: a video of squirrels running an obstacle course.)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Thursday, October 15, 2009

So Like Lexicon

Updates on our ever-changing vernacular.

Deja boo: The distinct feeling that you've dated this guy before.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Complaint Box

The packaging for Trojan's new "Ecstasy" condom screams, "Feels like nothing's there!" Yeah, shouldn't that condom exist already, and not have shooting stars on the box?

What does this mind-bending condom give you? Not much in the way of details, just some vague, rigid lines like "comfort shape allows freedom of movement for a more natural experience" and "deep ribs at base and end to increase stimulation."

There's also the Trojan Ecstasy "Her Pleasure" condom. Brace yourself, ladies. It offers the same vague benefits, just sub in the even vaguer "textured for female stimulation." So, what exactly is it stimulating? I'm guessing not what it needs to be. If it's called "Ecstasy," there better be strobe lights beaming out of my picachu.

Why not package the condoms in a Pringles-shaped can that explodes glitter and foam snakes when you open it? Maybe a motion sensor that plays "The Macarena"?

So Like Lexicon

Language is constantly evolving. Since lazy ol' Uncle Webster's only updates his data bank once a year, it's left up to the dutiful stewards of So Like Yeah to keep abreast of integral words and phrases, and imagineer others when needed.

Sbender: A rakish, multi-day state of drunkeness that results in the siphoning of your bank account through bar tabs.

Hairanoia: The persistent fear of running into your stylist after breaking down and brutally self-trimming your bangs. (Via Arielle)

Barsenal: The bar portfolio you've cultivated before entering a new relationship. By having established haunts expressed in romance's early stages, you'll safegaurd yourself against the division of assets (bars) post-break up. You don't want to be stuck sipping tall boys at Barfly's and Mugshots while he's tycooning it up at Liberty.

A Hot Thomas: A really hot guy with a fatal flaw (i.e., "A damn shame").

Armchair macking: Getting a younger, more energetic friend to scout out the scene at a bar, club, etc., then texting you with results. Depending on how good a friend this person is, you either stay on the couch or Febreze yourself and hit the town.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Fruitlessly Searching for Brains

When zombies do attack -- as we know they will, you can bank on Florida being the initial point of outbreak. They will nibble and chomp their way from the bottom up, starting with Parrot Heads in the Keys, through pythons in the Everglades, to mermaids in Weeki Wachee, saving the state capitol for last. There they will feast on Muppet-orange governor Charlie Crist at a public assembly. Oddly enough, only then will the rest of the world notice that Florida no longer exists.

For this reason, having a zombie retaliation plan makes sense. So when one was added to University of Florida's emergency evacuation lists last Thursday, I don't really understand why folks got so pissy. It was loaded with insights, like:
"Some employees may prefer weapons such as chain saws, baseball bats, and explosives that have been shown to be effective against zombies," the plan says. "Given the stress on staff to be anticipated during a zombie outbreak, employees should be given the flexibility to choose their own weaponry thereby diminishing anxiety."
The plan concludes with an "infected co-worker dispatch form" that includes a place to list the co-worker’s symptoms such as "lack of rational thought (this can cause problems confusing zombies with managers)." At the end, employees must note whether housekeeping was notified to clean up the dead zombie and human resources has been told to stop salary payments to the zombie and its victims.

The plan was promptly removed. Its author, a self-described insomniac, said he wrote it while unsuccessfully attempting to sleep between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m., he thought it would boost moral and alleviate work stress.

Read an article on the topic here.

Truth in Advertising

Via Will

Thursday, October 1, 2009

How To Make Chicken Tetrazzini

The top results that pop up when you put "how to" into Google:

How to tie a tie
How to kiss
How to get pregnant
How to lose weight
How to lose weight fast
How to solve a Rubix cube
How to write a resume
How to get rid of stretch marks
How to make a website

It says something about our times, I'm just not sure what.