Dialogues I've Possibly Hallucinated When Waking Up With the TV On at 3am

Cable access host Tom Talaverde: OK, OK, tonight, we’ve got Phyllis Schnauber, pet agent. “We give PAWS for celebrity” is her calling card, and she’s handled some of the biggest names in Hollywood in the last two decades. Phyllis Schnauber, welcome her.

[Applause]

Phyllis: Thank you, thank you...

Tom: Just how do you do it, handling these pet stars for as long as you have?

Phyllis: You know, it’s a calling for me, really. Even as a kid growing up in Passaic, New Jersey, I had a knack for spotting talent.

Tom: Now what kind of animals will you represent? Just dogs and cats?

Phyllis: Dogs and cats mostly but we will represent other trainable creatures from the animal kingdom. We’ve done rabbits, though they were much more popular in the Eighties. We did a turtle for Turtle Soup, the 1991 comedy about a turtle that learns to cook, voiced by Stephen Wright, the comedian. It was very funny, years before that Ratatouille picture! And then there was that beautiful mare, Charmaine. But the Hollywood life was not for her and she od’d on tranquilizers right after River of Courage came out. But she did get to star alongside Sean Penn, so, ya know...

[Cut to movie posters...
Turtle Soup : A turtle sitting in a ladle with a stoic face and the tagline, “You ever wonder why they call it soup?”
River of Courage: Closeup of a horse and Sean Penn looking off into the distance.]

Tom: Now, you made headlines recently for dropping one of your clients.

Phyllis: Yes, yes.

[Cut to still of a Chinese Crested]

Phyllis: Krysten, yes. She has issues, it’s true, and I knew that going in. But I saw the potential there. After the success of Marked for Love, she just let it get away from her...the neutered sex parties, the fling with Colin Farrell. She also had an eating disorder, I’m not gonna lie.

What's Not to Like About This?

Via

Chivalry Is Dead

Via Worldfamousdesignjunkies.com

The President Polls Well With Main Street

Ecstasy pills created in His likeness were confiscated in Texas. To be fair, the dealer is thought to be bipartisan; he was also delivering capsules shaped like Homer Simpson and various smurfs.
Link to story.... HERE!

"This Party's Over" -- Mace Windu

The So Like Estroplex is hunkering down and preparing for tomorrow's arctic weather conditions (low 30s). By now you've heard Austin's fate: we will be covered in snow like the Echo Base of Hoth. Since no Jedi wants to be left out in the cold, we recommend you purchase our new, favorite slumber gear:


Get it at Thinkgeek.com

What We've Learned from the New Plan B Commercial

It's really just the first 25 seconds of this commercial that make you wonder. The rest is just a "life goes on" montage of unrelated images.


So, uh, what happened last night, right ladies?
Yep, we understand that their birth control failed...but, where did all of their suitors go? You might also notice that they're only sleeping on "their side" of the beds, meaning they didn't realize that Mr. Fly By Night had sublimated until they woke up. Hence the "oh shit, why don't I ever learn" forehead clutch, repeated five times -- like a walk of shame fun house mirror.

Looks like it's breakfast tacos for uno, again.

The So Like Beehive is Buzzing

So Like Yeah just received a stack of Sassy magazines from a generous benefactor. It shot us back to an era of zines, mom jeans, Love’s Baby Soft, and Channel One (We’re lookin’ at YOU Anderson Cooper!). Covers featured headlines like “Tormented boys: Are they predators or prey?” Finding a favorite article so far is tough, but here’s where we’re at.


Kind Robot: Gotta be “Star Trek Conventions: Nerd Magnets or Intellectual Summits?” Narration is handled by two homegirls debating which version (Original or The Next Generation) is superior. Their goal: Live out their Trekkie fandom and observe what they expect to be an undoubtable dudefest. The lesson learned? Don’t underestimate your dweeby sisters. The event was packed with… 14-year-old girls. Wearing pointy ears. Talkin’ science. Geeking out.
It was adorbs.

Sweaty Updo: The “Stuff You Wrote” pages feature some pretty amazing(ly) bad poetry, the kind birthed from the freshly stoned, still malleable mind of a 13 to 18-year- old girl, sitting in her in bedroom in suburban Florida, dying her hair with Kool Aid and wearing oversized Soundgarden t-shirts with overalls. I’m not saying that was me, but whatever, it was 1995 and it was just some slam poetry, ok?

“Why do I feel like I’m living in a great game of pin the tail on the donkey in a place where everyone is blinded by ideals and misguided by society.” – Jennifer, Wappingers Falls, NY

Preach on, Jennifer. Or is that you, Alanis Morissette?

I’ve also got to quote the answer J Mascis gave in a “Dear Boy” column, about whether or not guys like big or small butts: “Whatever it is, just get into it.”

Sadly, the Tribe perfume flaps have lost their scent.