Monday, December 7, 2009

Dialogues I've Possibly Hallucinated When Waking Up With the TV On at 3am

Cable access host Tom Talaverde: OK, OK, tonight, we’ve got Phyllis Schnauber, pet agent. “We give PAWS for celebrity” is her calling card, and she’s handled some of the biggest names in Hollywood in the last two decades. Phyllis Schnauber, welcome her.

[Applause]

Phyllis: Thank you, thank you...

Tom: Just how do you do it, handling these pet stars for as long as you have?

Phyllis: You know, it’s a calling for me, really. Even as a kid growing up in Passaic, New Jersey, I had a knack for spotting talent.

Tom: Now what kind of animals will you represent? Just dogs and cats?

Phyllis: Dogs and cats mostly but we will represent other trainable creatures from the animal kingdom. We’ve done rabbits, though they were much more popular in the Eighties. We did a turtle for Turtle Soup, the 1991 comedy about a turtle that learns to cook, voiced by Stephen Wright, the comedian. It was very funny, years before that Ratatouille picture! And then there was that beautiful mare, Charmaine. But the Hollywood life was not for her and she od’d on tranquilizers right after River of Courage came out. But she did get to star alongside Sean Penn, so, ya know...

[Cut to movie posters...
Turtle Soup : A turtle sitting in a ladle with a stoic face and the tagline, “You ever wonder why they call it soup?”
River of Courage: Closeup of a horse and Sean Penn looking off into the distance.]

Tom: Now, you made headlines recently for dropping one of your clients.

Phyllis: Yes, yes.

[Cut to still of a Chinese Crested]

Phyllis: Krysten, yes. She has issues, it’s true, and I knew that going in. But I saw the potential there. After the success of Marked for Love, she just let it get away from her...the neutered sex parties, the fling with Colin Farrell. She also had an eating disorder, I’m not gonna lie.

No comments: