Complaint Box, Winter Edition

I was batting an idea around the So Like Yeah Estroplex a few days ago: a Snuggie-type thing that's also an electric blanket but that didn't have to be plugged in and was tailored enough that it wouldn't knock over a bunch of candles with its "Stand Back"-era Stevie Nicks sleeves. How would it be powered? Kinetic energy? Of course not. If you're wearing a Snuggie you ain't doin' shit! That's as far as that got. Yes, we only write by candlelight at the 'plex.

Then I saw the commercial for Forever Lazy, which turns adults into giant babies. Giant, freezing babies who can only be consoled with beer and TV. I was almost on board. Until around the 1:15 mark.

People. We have to draw the line at "zippered hatches" or the terrorists have won.



(Here's a plus, though: Searching for that Stevie Nicks video led me into a Fleetwood Mac rabbit hole, and I found this gem)

Q: How would you describe "The Wizard of Oz" to someone who has never seen it?

Waters: Girl leaves drab farm, becomes a fag hag, meets gay lions and men that don’t try to molest her, and meets a witch, kills her. And unfortunately — by a surreal act of shoe fetishism — clicks her shoes together and is back to where she belongs. It has an unhappy ending.

John Waters, from Robert Elder's new book.

Chill the Fuck Out, 2010

This year SLY covered the hard-hitting issues: parasites, the Double Down, Vajazzling, and the coming robotpocalypse. So if you're still with us at this point, thanks! 2011 is going to be even better. The SLY "Test Kitchen" is going to ramp the fuck up and it's not just gonna be food in there! So let's just zone out until then, OK? Just chill out!

Throw Your Diamonds Up

At least Benold's has a sense of humor about the whole holiday jewelry guilt/shame spiral. Shows like Bridalplasty remind me that, yes, a very small group of women probably demands diamond rings and other superficial status updates for Christmas, and a small group of men thinks that's still what a woman wants. On the whole in 2010, who are these ridiculous ads targeting, and who can afford it? We live in a time when people are scouring their homes for shit to send to Cash4Gold.com.

And they've gotten really diverse this year: Kay finally put an African-American couple in one of its ads, to balance out the weird rape fantasies and overall whiteness elsewhere in their marketing campaign. The soft, white snow; the cut diamonds; the straight, white teeth. It's so blandly heteronormative. Good job, jewelers.



And this Zales commercial .... they all look one blink away from outing themselves as lizard people, especially the guy at the :10 minute mark. After he strangles her with the necklace of course. Benold's was right! He just cut the power! Run, girl!

Shut 'Em Down, Open Up Shop

Damn, Canada, you really put the scare in those rapists. As this story explains, a cliched, overused phrase in the States equals sexual predator diiiiisss up North.

I appreciate the flipped script, but what's "that guy" like in Edmonton, Alberta? I'm sensing a lot of names with short A sounds.

Cats vs. Demons

Austin dudes are notoriously allergic to cats. Or are they? Check out footage from the documentary film, Sleepwalkers:



You've been warned, ladies. Next time he's explaining why he can't stay the night, remember that "Sorry baby, I've got cat allergies" could be synonymous with "I'm a shape-shifting demon who's only natural enemy is the domesticated feline."

Typical Girls Are So Emotional

November 2010 Muscle Memory Mix