It Burns Me Eyes!

Yes, I know. Your lady part is a jewel to be worshiped. You must hide it from griffins because the fortune is so valuable. You live in fear of panty raids from treasure-plundering pirates.
I get it. It’s “all that.”

Isn’t it a shame that not everyone knows this? There should be a way to commission an “artist” to bring your sacred love clam out of the shadows, by recreating it as a pendant for the whole world to enjoy. (Would that be called a “clameo?”)
Thankfully, the South Floridian crafter behind Vulvalovelovely wants to do just that. Send her some photos of your snail trail and she’ll gleefully empower the shit out of you.
I can think of about a million reasons why this is the creepiest thing I’ve seen all week, so let’s just focus on one element: meeting men at bars while your vadge medallion stares them down. What do you even say?

“Do you like what you see?”
“If you put your ear against it, you can hear the ocean!”
“It’s not to scale.”
“There’s a tiny compass on the back... “
“It operates on roughly the same principles as Hypercolor…”
"When the warranty expires, I might upgrade."

Way to keep it skeezy, Florida!

Laser Christmas Cats

The fellas who brought you Engineer's Guide to Cats have made a new holiday greeting, with Lasers.

Have a Merry MIDI Christmas

So you're trapped indoors while your family applauds Lou Diamond Phillips cameos on Spike? You're shovelling food in your mouth in an attempt to dodge your mother's "If you were my facebook friend..." sentences? Wondering what to do with all of those holiday tube socks?

Tune it all out and watch this simple MIDI file video. Still stressed? Consider trepanning. What do "doctors" know anyway?

Sometimes it's good to have both feet off the ground

Happy holidays from SLY.

WWTD?

Don't forget, tomorrow at Mohawk, the AustinSurreal holiday party. 10pm, free. So Like Yeah will be in the house, doling out misfortune cookies.

And now, for your enjoyment, the premiere of Hangin' With Twitter Jesus.

Response Received from Craigslist Posting Requesting "Party Talent"

Left unedited. Thanks, Mike.

*******************************
Model/Actress/Dancer/Writer/Singer/Wrestler
512-785-**** Cell
Call anytime day or night

RACE:50%Chinese/25%Scottish/25%Sioux Indian HEIGHT: 5'10'' HAIR: Black/Auburn/Goldish/Brown EYES: Brown LOCATION: Manhattan NYC BIRTH:8-13-87 AGE:21 ASTROLOGICAL SIGN:Leo
CHINESE BIRTH SIGN: Rabbit
MEASUREMENTS Bra size 36C Waist 32 Hips 36 SHOE: 10 DRESS SIZE 9-10 depending on designer
TATTOOS: 4 on back small Unicorn upper right shoulder blade colored, upper mid back down to below butt Large 2 tigers dancing black and white, Small of back tribal with 3 blue roses, lower small of back colored angels 1male 1female holding each other, 1 right wrist black tribal cover up, 1 inner lower lip ''Wicked Demon'' black'', 1 below breasts vine with a skull in the middle. PIERCINGS: 5 belly button, 1 tong, 5 ears.

EXPERIENCE:
Foot Modeling NY, NY 2004, Propaganda Magazine Print Spread Fetish Model NY, NY 2004 Extra preview to horror movie NY, NY Jt Talent & Casting 2004, Exotic Dancer Sugars & Perfect 10 night club Austin Tx 2005-2008, Foam Bikini Dance Contest 1st place winner Paradox Nightclub Austin Tx. 2006

Special Skills:
State Boxing Champion in South Dakota 7thgrade, Swimming for long periods of time, Holding breath for a min. (front flips, back flips, hand stands, cart wheels into the pool, diving, and jumping into the pool using my gymnastics experience and Dance) Gymnastics (cartwheels, front flips,splits front and back, back bends, back bend side turns, head stand, and a few other tricks I learned to do on my own that don't have a name ), Dance (Salsa, break dancing, belly dancing, stunts, ballet, tap, hip hop, exotic, Pole dancing) Horse Back Ridding ( putting the saddle on, reins on, Western, English, Bareback style ridding, I like bare back the most), Burping on command, I can burp for a few min straight never timed it but they can be long it i try, Stick fighting, gun shooting, Soccer (good at goalie), Skiing, Tennis, Dodge Ball, Scuba Diving, Fishing, I was a Girl Scout, so I know ''Survival Skills'', double jointed in my arms (can pop them out of socket, and hold my hands together in the front and put them over my head and make them go to the back with out releasing my hands), touching my nose with my tong, volleyball.

Studio Fifty-Fur

This story has been torturing me all day. Yes, it is really horrible the bear went out like that, but I can't stop envisioning the trip it must have been on, the epic woodland rager. Because you know it wasn't just that bear, it was other forest creatures too. 

I feel like this need a comic strip re-enactment.

Nightmaresville, Pop. 1

I've always had my suspicions about octopusssses: The beak, eight arms, and ability to escape in ways that haunt my dreams. They are not to be trusted, and fuuuuuck, now they've made armor.

My theory about an octopocalypse doesn't sound so crazy now, does it!!

Requiem for a Turkey Sandwich

Charles Simic on leaving your mark in books, and championing the dog-eared.

It's a Christmas Miracle!

Let's just throw a shout out to our New Times, Broward peeps and their blog, The Juice. Thanks gang, for keeping us abreast of truly important things like when this SoFla gal, named... wait for it... Merry Christmas, was arrested yesterday for having friction with the 5-0.

As per The Juice

"Just because your name is "Merry Christmas" doesn't mean you can go resisting arrest during the holiday season. That's allegedly what happened in Boynton Beach, where a 44-year-old woman by that name -- who probably grows irritable every year at this time -- came out of her home to shout at a woman who was being interviewed by police."

"But while a great deal of credit belongs to Christmas herself and
to the police officer who threw her in cuffs, let's not forget the contributions of serious news gatherers like Tory Dunnan of WPBF, who faced the terrifying prospect of filing a live report on this arrest yet managed to keep a straight face. A true pro, Dunnan also showed remarkable restraint avoiding the predictable punch lines you'd expect from a local newscast vying for web hits.

That report would have started something like this:

"Here's a holiday story that only a Grinch would enjoy..."

And it would have ended something like this:

"... This is one Merry Christmas that may not have a 'Happy New Year.'" (Pause for effect.) "Back to you, Kristin."

It's true, actually. The video footage is priceless. Check it out HERE. And no, her bday isn't even on Christmas; it's on the 28th. You can't get more South Florida than this, kiddos.

File it Under: Stuff Nobody Cares About Unless They're From Miami

Poor Rickie Ross. His frail self esteem took another blow this week when he was "snubbed" by the Grammys. But our favorite self-proclaimed Miami druglord-turned-rapper really shouldn't feel that bad; you can't get snubbed from something you were never considered for.

Like, "Wow, I'm so angry about getting snubbed from the Nobel's this year. My ant farm was killer." See, that makes no sense.

Neither does this: "I can't believe Ace Ventura Jr: Pet Detective was snubbed by the Academy Awards. Have you seen the things that boy can do with his face? Hilarious!"

And yet, getting ignored at the Grammys struck a sense of discord in our lil' hustler's heart. He recently responded by popping himself into a remix of Beyonce's jam, "Video Phone." It has the vibe of a creepy guy who's made his way into your vacation photos. Sure, Ross is only in the first minute or so, but he still manages to drop wisdom like "What I think about the Grammy's? I think they are haters. What they think 'bout the album? They think it's amazin'."

Absorb 58 seconds of lameness below:

Lovborg's Women Considered

Molly Lambert Googled it.

Art v. Science

Two of our favorite Floridians are waging war against each other here. Check out the latest installment, "The Patriot Act in One Act." Oh, and all the other ones too.

The Nights Were Walls (We Climbed Them All)

No Stoichiometry Required

We've seen periodic table cookies and cupcakes before, but Not So Humble Pie has made some truly cute ones. We'll forgive the exclusion of superheavies, lanthanoids, and actinoids, because really, who needs 'em?
She's also made lab rats, scientists, petri dish stains, and the below-pictured cephalopods.


Another favorite? Those creeping lab staples: gel electrophoresis cookies. Great ideas for dorky chem cooks.

Suck it, Apis Mellifera!

Sure, owning an apiary of traditional European honeybees carries a bit of panache, but anyone with access to top bar hive diagrams could do that. You want to redefine your social status with your insect legion, so take the road less travelled: keep bees that drink human tears.

...workers drank lachrymation (tears) from human eyes in more than 262 naturally-occurred cases at 10 sites in N and S Thailand during all months of the year. A few visits were also seen to eyes of zebu and dog, indicating a probable broad mammalian host range. On man the bees were relatively gentle visitors, mostly landing on the lower eyelashes from where they imbibed tears for 0.5-2.5 min, often singly but occasionally in congregations of 5-7 specimens per eye.

Via Boingboing.net

Lists, Music, Problems

From Sam McPheeters:

"I know I'm almost a half-decade behind on this one, but I'm still waiting for the metalcore group The Devil Wears Prada to spark a massive paradigm shift in band naming. What could be more post-everything than naming your group after a movie based on a book that directly references a high-visibility company name? Where are the new bands named 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe V6, or Save On Verizon High Speed Internet, or Barbie Wild Horse Rescue For Xbox 360? Also: Question: if you named your band The Devil Wears Prada Soundtrack, who would get to sue you?"

Your Job Sucks

Sorry gang, hiring for this gig ended in November. It involves "qualitative and quantitative data collection and analysis" at strip clubs, which is sexy scientist speak for "get paid to get your freak on." Hey Research Operator, is that a slide rule in your pocket or... oh, never mind, it's a slide rule. (Via the annals of improbable research)

From the University of Leeds Job Vacancies site:

Research Officer - The rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy
(Job reference: 316199 )
Faculty of Education, Social Sciences and Law
School of Sociology and Social Policy
(Full-time, fixed term 12 months from March 2010)

You will work on an ESRC funded study on the rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy. The post will involve qualitative and quantitative data collection and analysis. It is based in Leeds, although some travel to other cities may be necessary.

You will have, or be about to complete, a postgraduate qualification in the social sciences or relevant subject and some appropriate research experience. You will be mainly responsible for access and fieldwork. Good interviewing, communication and organisational skills are essential as is the ability to work independently and as part of a team. Experience of interviewing and conducting surveys is essential, as is prior experience of conducting research in the female sex industry.

It is anticipated that interviews will take place on December 14 2009
Salary: Grade 7 (£29,704 - £35,469 p.a)

Hold Up

Dialogues I've Possibly Hallucinated When Waking Up With the TV On at 3am

Cable access host Tom Talaverde: OK, OK, tonight, we’ve got Phyllis Schnauber, pet agent. “We give PAWS for celebrity” is her calling card, and she’s handled some of the biggest names in Hollywood in the last two decades. Phyllis Schnauber, welcome her.

[Applause]

Phyllis: Thank you, thank you...

Tom: Just how do you do it, handling these pet stars for as long as you have?

Phyllis: You know, it’s a calling for me, really. Even as a kid growing up in Passaic, New Jersey, I had a knack for spotting talent.

Tom: Now what kind of animals will you represent? Just dogs and cats?

Phyllis: Dogs and cats mostly but we will represent other trainable creatures from the animal kingdom. We’ve done rabbits, though they were much more popular in the Eighties. We did a turtle for Turtle Soup, the 1991 comedy about a turtle that learns to cook, voiced by Stephen Wright, the comedian. It was very funny, years before that Ratatouille picture! And then there was that beautiful mare, Charmaine. But the Hollywood life was not for her and she od’d on tranquilizers right after River of Courage came out. But she did get to star alongside Sean Penn, so, ya know...

[Cut to movie posters...
Turtle Soup : A turtle sitting in a ladle with a stoic face and the tagline, “You ever wonder why they call it soup?”
River of Courage: Closeup of a horse and Sean Penn looking off into the distance.]

Tom: Now, you made headlines recently for dropping one of your clients.

Phyllis: Yes, yes.

[Cut to still of a Chinese Crested]

Phyllis: Krysten, yes. She has issues, it’s true, and I knew that going in. But I saw the potential there. After the success of Marked for Love, she just let it get away from her...the neutered sex parties, the fling with Colin Farrell. She also had an eating disorder, I’m not gonna lie.

What's Not to Like About This?

Via

Chivalry Is Dead

Via Worldfamousdesignjunkies.com

The President Polls Well With Main Street

Ecstasy pills created in His likeness were confiscated in Texas. To be fair, the dealer is thought to be bipartisan; he was also delivering capsules shaped like Homer Simpson and various smurfs.
Link to story.... HERE!

"This Party's Over" -- Mace Windu

The So Like Estroplex is hunkering down and preparing for tomorrow's arctic weather conditions (low 30s). By now you've heard Austin's fate: we will be covered in snow like the Echo Base of Hoth. Since no Jedi wants to be left out in the cold, we recommend you purchase our new, favorite slumber gear:


Get it at Thinkgeek.com

What We've Learned from the New Plan B Commercial

It's really just the first 25 seconds of this commercial that make you wonder. The rest is just a "life goes on" montage of unrelated images.


So, uh, what happened last night, right ladies?
Yep, we understand that their birth control failed...but, where did all of their suitors go? You might also notice that they're only sleeping on "their side" of the beds, meaning they didn't realize that Mr. Fly By Night had sublimated until they woke up. Hence the "oh shit, why don't I ever learn" forehead clutch, repeated five times -- like a walk of shame fun house mirror.

Looks like it's breakfast tacos for uno, again.

The So Like Beehive is Buzzing

So Like Yeah just received a stack of Sassy magazines from a generous benefactor. It shot us back to an era of zines, mom jeans, Love’s Baby Soft, and Channel One (We’re lookin’ at YOU Anderson Cooper!). Covers featured headlines like “Tormented boys: Are they predators or prey?” Finding a favorite article so far is tough, but here’s where we’re at.


Kind Robot: Gotta be “Star Trek Conventions: Nerd Magnets or Intellectual Summits?” Narration is handled by two homegirls debating which version (Original or The Next Generation) is superior. Their goal: Live out their Trekkie fandom and observe what they expect to be an undoubtable dudefest. The lesson learned? Don’t underestimate your dweeby sisters. The event was packed with… 14-year-old girls. Wearing pointy ears. Talkin’ science. Geeking out.
It was adorbs.

Sweaty Updo: The “Stuff You Wrote” pages feature some pretty amazing(ly) bad poetry, the kind birthed from the freshly stoned, still malleable mind of a 13 to 18-year- old girl, sitting in her in bedroom in suburban Florida, dying her hair with Kool Aid and wearing oversized Soundgarden t-shirts with overalls. I’m not saying that was me, but whatever, it was 1995 and it was just some slam poetry, ok?

“Why do I feel like I’m living in a great game of pin the tail on the donkey in a place where everyone is blinded by ideals and misguided by society.” – Jennifer, Wappingers Falls, NY

Preach on, Jennifer. Or is that you, Alanis Morissette?

I’ve also got to quote the answer J Mascis gave in a “Dear Boy” column, about whether or not guys like big or small butts: “Whatever it is, just get into it.”

Sadly, the Tribe perfume flaps have lost their scent.