Together, We Can Put the "Fun" Back in "Funeral"

Yesterday a ceiling fan fell on my head... while it was spinning. (A note: Whoever Final Destinationed me, if you would simply make yourself known and apologize, all will be forgotten.) It got me thinking about funerals and how antiquated they are. I ain’t going out like that.

Instead, I’ve decided that I want a tasteful affair. Something that really sums up my life’s accomplishments, so with much contemplation, I’ve decided on this: Viking funeral aboard a party barge, with my corpse stuffed in my tauntaun sleeping bag. Just so there’s no confusion, I’ve decided that the soundtrack should be all Jock Jamz. I’ve detailed the playlist below.

"Firestarter" – Prodigy (Lighting the barge)

"Push It" – Salt ‘n Pepa (Leaving the dock)

"You’re Unbelievable" – EMF (Floating away, with the crowd doing shots)


"Getting Jiggy Wit It" – Will Smith (The crowd is still doing shots and inappropriate spring break dancing is occurring)


"The Final Countdown" – Europe (As my humble river boat crashes into a delicate, endangered coral reef)

If my final wishes are not honored, my fire spirit will return to haunt the shit out of everyone. Undead me will crash on your couch, even if you had other plans that week. I will also drink all of your beers and never offer to pitch in for more. I’ll sign you up for magazine subscriptions online and click “Bill Me Later,” in an attempt to ruin your credit. I’ll also criticize every date you bring home – not to his/her face or anything, but to you, after he/she leaves. So yeah, you bitches better fulfill.