Johnny 5 is Alive

It’s been six years since Earth’s most famous robots unfolded themselves from their pod and rolled out on Mars. We started each morning with Spirit and Opportunity, giddy with anticipation of new discoveries as updates piped through the radio, interwebs, and newspapers. Dorky NASA scientists blasted inspirational songs like “Wheels in the Sky Keep on Turnin’” to cheer them on to victory.
Now our longest serving astronauts have fallen to the wayside. As hope for liquid water evaporated, so did funding and enthusiasm. Now Spirit is stranded in a sulfate sinkhole; if he cannot free himself from these elemental shackles soon, his long-distance handlers will be forced to cut the circuit-laden umbilical cord. Spirit will then retire in Troy, his Martian tomb, while his brother, Opportunity, weeps oily tears.
What Spirit needs is some motivation. We need to bring back the morning anthems -- and who better to do it than Captured! By Robots? Currently energizing the masses, both hardwired and au natural, Jbot and his soldered soldiers would be the perfect band to get our rickety rover out of his death pit. NASA, I hope you’re listening and sending this message up to the heavens.

Cookin' With Coolio

Santa! You got my letter!

Spoiler alerts on this season's must have book, from Eatmedaily.com

Coolioisms

* "Hell, when I was growing up I could make a meal out of a package of Top Ramen and a bottle of Windex."
* "Everything I cook tastes better than yo' momma's nipples."
* "I may not be an iron chef, but I'm the only chef with platinum records."
* "You can't have your spatulas and your whisks runnin' around like they own the place."
* "My marinades add color and flavor so intense that it makes the Mona Lisa look like the Sunday edition of Marmaduke."
* "If MacGyver could turn a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper into a Jet Ski, then you can use a slotted spoon to create a breakfast of mass destruction."

A Horse of a Different Color

TSA Favors Sweet to Savory

Jet Setters be warned: Pies on planes = fine. Dipping sauces = less so.

As per TSA

Everyone has favorite foods from home that they want to bring to holiday dinners, or items from their destination that they want to bring back home. Travelers should know that while pies are permitted through the security checkpoint, here is a list of liquids, gels and aerosol items that you should put in your checked bag, ship ahead, or leave at home.

* Cranberry sauce
* Creamy dips and spreads
(cheeses, peanut butter, etc.)
* Gift baskets with food items
(salsa, jams and salad dressings)
* Gravy
* Jams
* Jellies

* Maple syrup
* Oils and vinegars
* Salad dressing
* Salsa
* Sauces
* Soups
* Wine, liquor and beer

For the snow globe enthusiast:

TSA does not permit snow globes through the security checkpoint because they contain an undetermined amount of liquid. Snow globes are permitted in checked baggage.

Let Us Give Thanks For

1.) The Baconwave: Because really, who has the time?

2.) Regresty.com: Pointing out that just 'cause you have access to a hot glue gun, does not mean that you should sell crafts.

3.) Cat wigs: self-explanatory.

The White Meat Album

KFC, now serving up Bigfoot in Europe.

Dating: Yr Doin' it Wrong

So, I'll say it. I go on bad first dates, exclusively. I'm not sure if it's a path I've chosen, or just one that I've drunkenly stumbled into, but you could say I've become a guru on the topic of terrible encounters. For this reason, I feel qualified to extend some helpful dating advice to the DoE's (Dudes of Earth.)

Tip 1: Don't show up with your buddy.
I know that this seems intuitive to most, but some guys think bringin' their bro along is a good idea. It isn't. If women wanted to date small children we would cruise matinees of Where the Wild Things Are in this van:

Tip 2: Talking about your adulterous ex.
Our silent inner monologue during the first time you bring it up: "Ouch. I probably didn't need to know that just yet. Sucks to be that guy."

The second time: "Let's see, HEB closes at ??? I need eggs, coffee, bread..."

The third time: "I should really get back into vermiculture. I'll need to get a plastic crate and drill in some air holes. I should start dating guys who own tools..."

Tip 3: Pick the girl up, or at least offer to.
If I were going downtown with a friend, I would pick them up. It's good manners. Also, it gives you a chance to get the awkward out of the way fast before you start mainlining gin at the bar. Need another reason? Good chicks will smoke you out upon arrival.

There you go fellas, you're welcome.