So, I'll say it. I go on bad first dates, exclusively. I'm not sure if it's a path I've chosen, or just one that I've drunkenly stumbled into, but you could say I've become a guru on the topic of terrible encounters. For this reason, I feel qualified to extend some helpful dating advice to the DoE's (Dudes of Earth.)
Tip 1: Don't show up with your buddy.
I know that this seems intuitive to most, but some guys think bringin' their bro along is a good idea. It isn't. If women wanted to date small children we would cruise matinees of Where the Wild Things Are in this van:
Tip 2: Talking about your adulterous ex.
Our silent inner monologue during the first time you bring it up: "Ouch. I probably didn't need to know that just yet. Sucks to be that guy."
The second time: "Let's see, HEB closes at ??? I need eggs, coffee, bread..."
The third time: "I should really get back into vermiculture. I'll need to get a plastic crate and drill in some air holes. I should start dating guys who own tools..."
Tip 3: Pick the girl up, or at least offer to.
If I were going downtown with a friend, I would pick them up. It's good manners. Also, it gives you a chance to get the awkward out of the way fast before you start mainlining gin at the bar. Need another reason? Good chicks will smoke you out upon arrival.
There you go fellas, you're welcome.
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