"I Heard Jennifer Love Hewitt Started It"

VAJAZZLE is a thing. This is where we are in 2010. This is the new Tupperware party.

What, you don't care to adorn your birdcage with Swarovski crystals? Heathen!

Piranhas 3-D Why You Makin' Me Wait?

Hot Tub Time Machine comes out March 26. At first I was all, "Man, has someone been eavesdropping on my dreams?" And then I was all, "Wow. Movies have gotten terrible. This looks so bad/good I may have to see it." And then I was like, "Wait, John Cusack ... Chevy Chase???" Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that pitch meeting:

Exec #1: I've got it. You've got four unlikely best friends. They used to party a lot and be crazy, but life has beaten them down as they've gotten older.
Exec #2: Road trip!
Exec #1: I like it, but it can't be your normal four guys on a road trip movie.
Exec #2: Ok, some crazy shit happens at a ski resort, and they get sent back to 1986 and some more crazy shit happens and they all learn the value of being themselves.
Exec #1: Yeah, but how do they go back -
Exec #2: Hot tub.
Exec #1: Hot tub time machine. Bam. What's next?
Exec #2: What about a sequel to Bio-Dome?

Wizard-Related

 Ladies, you ever dated this guy?
"Sooo, I gotta tell you something. I was a wizard."
 Oh. Ok, like D&D?
 "And I was also in prison."
 Wow. Ok. For something ... wizard-related?
"Aaaand since we're being honest, it's a horrifying jungle of man and lady parts down there. I've had a couple surgeries but the doctors are still sorting it out."

Classic. Am I right?

My withering attention span thanks you, 5-Second Films.

Nomad Has a Chocolate Fountain

(Song starts at 1:30)

I'm single and I don't hate Valentine's Day. There, I've said it. I know it's an unpopular thesis, but I don't see the problem with folks being good to each other, even if it takes an imagineered holiday for that to happen.

And maybe you don't have a significant other today. So what? That won't always be the case. Your perfect slob and you are still clumsily pawing through life, waiting to run into one another. And when it finally happens, just remember: You asked for it.

Till Half-time Do Us Part

EMBED-Valentines Day Proposal Goes Wrong - Watch more free videos

Don't feel too bad for this guy.

Sure, the commitment-seeker gets rejected, but it happens in front of an entire professional cheerleading squad. Cheerleaders can't resist crap like that; it's like romantic kryptonite. He'll be a base in the pyramid by the fourth quarter.

Resist This Psychic Death

 

Bros! This is the guy who's going to help you score chicks! No, the one on the left.

 One of his Valentine's dating tips: "Dinner and a movie has been done to death. Invite her out to a late night at the aquarium or to paint pottery at an arts and crafts cafe and you can be sure you're the only person to have asked her on that date today."

 

Ummmm, the fuck, dude who looks like that dude in Green Day? After an uncomfortable string of Super Bowl ads that basically screamed, "I'm a living ghost and need a Dodge Charger to fill the space where my balls were," this just makes my soul feel damp, like when the lights come on at last call.

 

Word, dude from Mountain Goats. I don't particularly like your music, but I feel you on this topic.  

I interviewed Julie Klausner a few weeks ago and, while I haven't transcribed it yet, she described an episode with an ex-boyfriend who had a  Ziggy complex. There were tears of laughter, mostly, with a 10% chance of "Oh, wait, that sounds familiar." I don't know what's going on in Dudesville, but it's making my head feel all Scanners-y.  

Quick, someone slide a guy down a bar top into a pyramid of beer cans already.

(How Can I Get?) One Last Screw

So... Viking funeral isn't in your game plan? Cremation seems too... wind-dependant? Do you want to be buried with all of your appendages but don't want to clog up the cemetery the way your stuffy old grandparents did? Well! You're in luck! Donald Scruggs, an innovator out of California, has created the screw-in coffin.

This device can either can be twisted into the ground by your burliest friends (above), or it can be tightened into the earth with great reverence via backhoe (below).

Either way, it should make for a pretty rad farewell.

Your corpse will be sealed in resin, kinda like Han Solo when he was frozen in carbonite. Also, you can select either a metal casket (burial magnets!) or a clear plastic one, for that final "ta-dah!" moment.
Even its name is catchy: the Easy Inter Burial Container. Who's got the last laugh now, Death?

Ten Angry Vaginas

Tyra Banks, keeping it classy. The opening line of this clip should nail down that Emmy. Also featured on this episode: "A woman whose legs won't stop growing." Freakshow re-airs Feb. 11, just in time for Valentine's Day.