Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Fall of Rome, as Told Through Cat Food


I once stayed at a Four Seasons and learned a very important lesson: Rich people are AWESOME. The room service menu had all of the accoutrement you'd expect: proteins poached and slathered, then drained and fluffed. But it also had something unexpected: a menu for cats.

The truly wealthy don't travel with small dogs! Humph! So passé! They take their cats with them. And do you know why? Because they can. That's why. And when little Chairman Meow has downtime between his whisker extension appointment and kitten mitten yoga hour, you know what he does? He has his butler order room service. Sure, the menu was limited and included things that would probably be funnier to watch cats eat -- like fresh berries in whipping cream -- than things cats actually want to eat, but that's not the point. The point is that the menu exists. But even there, at the Four Seasons, there was no mention of appetizers, or of any progressive course order for that matter. Thankfully, Fancy Feast is on top of it.

Forever a trailblazer in the cat food arena, Fancy Feast has boldy ventured beyond even its line of gourmet varieties, like Spinach Florentine, and into a truly brave new world: Appetizers for cats.

To be paired with gourmet main courses from teeny tiny tins!

Served on asymmetrical plates!

With tarragon!

Who cares if you’re eating Ramen?

(a note: Someday, many generations from now when our world is eroded and crawling with roach-like aliens, they will uncover a cat food appetizer can, wrapped in a Dog Snuggie, and simply climb back into their space ships and leave. Knowing instantly that our story was a junk paperback in the leatherbound library of the universe.)

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