CHEAPSKATES' GUIDE TO FUN FUN FUN FEST. DAY 1 (AKA: Suck it Cerberus!)

THE GOAL: Do Fun Fun Fun Fest on 5 bucks a day, or less while staying stoned and drunk.

Rent. Emergency trips to the vet. That trendy griffin costume at Halloween. All of that stuff accumulates financially, and it has a tendency to happen during periods with gross quantities of EFP (Explosive Fun Potential). But you don’t have to be flush to have fun; you just need to start acting like a Goonie.

THE PLAN: Bury two days worth of booze in advance to avoid friction with gate guards.

Not only was this really fun, but it worked like a champ. A fellow Goonie and dear friend of So Like Yeah printed out the map from FFF Fest’s website and brought a mag light, so that we wouldn’t dig down where porta potties, stages, or – most ironic of all – bars, were slated to be placed.
I pruned out a little citrus, some lemongrass and other herbs from my yard, shoved them in mason jars, then filled them with vodka. I put those and tonic bottles into freezer-sized zipper bags, grabbed a shovel and met my fellow Goonie at Waterloo Park several days prior to the festival. We hurled the shovel over the fence, snuck in through a gap, found our spots and did some digging. (Also, an FYI: After retrieving your booze, those FFF Fest maps can be rolled into excellent funnels.)

THE RESULT: Did it work? My hangover thinks so.

There’s only one problem with this plan: it doesn’t take human nature into consideration. A drunk with buried treasure isn’t going to practice moderation. Needless to say, the drunker we got the more we wanted to dig up the second pile, so we tapped into Sunday’s supply early. That’s alright. We have a plan for Day Two as well.