Cheapskates' Guide To Fun Fun Fun Fest. Day 2 (AKA: I Got Splashed by Metallagher and All I Got Were These Lousy Cottage Cheese Highlights.)

What's that FFF Fest? You've got rain? Two words: umbrella hat. And mud? Again: rad galoshes. You're not going to win that easily: Goonies never say die.

The Goal: Do Fun Fun Fun Fest on 5 dollars a day, or less while staying stoned and drunk.

Rouge correspondent, Farm Fresh, was first on the scene Sunday, so she paid it forward with a visit to the Logan's Run inspired Camel Tent to score me a free pack. For those of you who didn't fall prey to Camel's seductive, neon siren cry, let me assure you: you're a better person because of it. In addition to having impossibly attractive people force handfulls of creepy new smokeless tobacco products on you (Snus), it also felt like a room where ET life performs anal probes, where bygone ravers are resurrected, and where all of your personal information is filed in a master mainframe -- most likely blacklisting you from the new National Health Care Plan. But fuck it. It kept me in smokes through Danzig.

The Plan: Use the remaining half of day two's buried booze and smuggle in more.

Since we still had some buried booze on premises, we only needed to smuggle in a supplemental supply. A friend from work lent me her boozenoculars, giant duel flasks that masquerade as stuffy old "ordinary" binoculars. Let 'em check your decoy, NPR tote bag. It's clean. I know what you're thinking: "Hey, Kind Robot, that's great and all, but what about mixers?"
The answer? Do The Bustle.

Baby doll dresses are terribly forgiving of form. Create a make-shift bustle in the back and you too could smuggle in one liter containers of tonic, loaves of bread, hunks of cheese, etc. Hell, you might even turn a few heads with all that junk in your trunk.

The Outcome:

Five dollars on chicken flautas during Day One. Totes worth it since fried doesn't smuggle well. Day Two? Zero spent, plus two free packs of smokes. I declare this mission a success. But don't go digging around Waterloo expecting to find our castoffs; So Like Yeah girls take lessons from the boy scouts. We take only photos and leave only footprints.